Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

I stole this from my friend Robin’s wall o’ quotes and I believe it’s something that can give all girls patience.

~Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says,….”thats her.”~

mediocrity just won’t cut it.

Just wait.

I made a disturbing discovery today while walking home after my Intro Media art and thinking about how frighteningly wierd my professor is:

I think my artistic self has evolved. AND/OR: I think that my artistic self has begun a revolution within.

I have stated in the past that all artists are selfish. I continue to stand by this satement. generally.
i shall stand by it until i learn otherwise anyway.

Explanation:

WHY create art? Why do artists create art? What do artists get out of doing artwork?

It is my personal belief that artists create in order to grow.
Art is somewhat of an outlet from the real world. Anything can happen. The artist can command the pencil, the paintbrush, the charcoal, the stone, the piano, the guitar to form any sort of mark, shape, form, note or sound that he/she pleases. It is a release for the artist to compose in whatever medium he/she chooses from the drudgery of every day life. In doing art, the artist generally and normally is contemplating a subject of their own interest. A subject that is personal to the artist. Art can’t NOT be without meaning to the artist. It just can’t.

I scribble a dark mark onto a piece of paper and call it art. First of all, it’s art because I call it so. Second of all, the mark was made out of some emotion or reaction that caused me to make it, whether i’m aware of it and can call it by name or not.

Now you’ll have some people say, well what about Andy Warhol? Warhol’s art was all based upon the idea of art being created by a machine, with no emotional attatchments to it whatsoever.
The very idea of his works is the human attachment to his art. The artist cannot escape it. By calling it art, by claiming it, the artist attaches his mind, his ideas, his emotions. Correction: By CREATING art, the attachment is made.

With all of this in mind, I state that the Artist is a particularily selfish being. I might also take a larger jump by stating that all art (ESPECIALLY FINE ART) is created for self exploration.

If you’re a person who doesn’t consider yourself artsy, think about a time when you’ve looked at a piece or art and thought, “I don’t get it.” or “That is wierd”. Can you think of just one?
If you can remember what that image was, i’m going to tell you that whoever created that piece of art, did not intend for people to “get it” and did not care if it appeared wierd. To that artist, what he/she created was part of the happenings of his/her own life at the time. By ‘happenings’ i mean not only literal happenings, but maybe psychological happenings, anything really.

Artists create when they feel sad, happy, angry, depressed, excited, relaxed, etc… and it shows through their work. As an artist, when i create when i’m feeling a certain way, or something particular is happening in my family or in our nation or world, or i’ve been thinking about something that’s troubling me, or i’m confused about what i should do in a cartain situation, I am learning about myself. As an artist, I could almost say, I’m doctoring myself.

And again, as i’ve stated before- more or less -art tells what is going on inside the artist. It reveals truths. NOT LITERALLY reveals truths… for example, if i draw a picture of Jesus Christ as a woman, I’m in no way revealing the truth about Jesus Christ’s gender. It could suggest something else…. i dont know…like.. i could be depicting Jesus Christ as myself in an attempt for me to grow closer to living like Christ. or anything! Only the artist can know what he/she’s created. And even then, the artist him/herself may not even understand the reason for the marks they’ve made or the images they’ve depicted. But they key object here is that the artist created and personally grew from it.

Artists are not out to try and change the world. Many say they are. But I believe that they’ve just got their understandings of their own purposes mixed up and skewed. For example, making a piece of work that is politically offending to a group of people is not made to change how that group of people thinks. It is made to offend. And more so, for the pleasure of the artist. AND EVEN MORE SO, it is created out of reaction. If artists could change the world, they would be creating not out of reaction to things that have already happened. It’s almost as if artists are the social world’s whores, who create in reaction to the social world’s acts.

Artists create for no other than themselves. AAAAnd yet again, i state, that even if an artist paints a picture for you or OF you, or writes you a song, writes it ABOUT you, gives it to you, calls it Your Song, its never really yours. It always belongs to the artist. He/she’s just letting it sit in your house, letting you believe believe its yours. Once the work is completed, the understanding that the artist gains from the act of creating it, has already been had.

THEREFORE: The artist is a selfish being.

I have been through art classes and listened to artists talk my whole life. More recently, i’ve been highly concentrated around it for the past three years. All of the art is just everybody trying to figure out where they’ve come from and where they’re going.

And that is why i feel like i don’t fit in so much anymore. Those famous artists, i believe that there are many of them who died and never figured out what IT was. Of course, one can always continue to create art. You cant just ever “have been” an artist. One always is. But i believe that once the artist discovers the big thing about him/herself that they’ve been looking for, the urgent need to constantly create dissipates.

I am not suggesting anything about my self as far as my knowing who i am. I think part of life’s journey is figuring out who you are. But I’ve begun to see a different destiny i may have. It’s a bittersweet feeling. A passing through one threshold and entering another but always leaving the door open.

I do not want to be going to class any more. no. no more!!!

But then again, i’d rather be in class, than working full time at a job i dont care about with people i dont like. so. ok.

The only thing i wish i had been able to do while i was in Florida, is lay out more. But, spending time with people i care about and growing in friendship was and is a certain kind of a new epiphany that seems more important to me finally. And most of the people i was with chose to stare at the television for a good amount of the time we were there. WHICH, for a first case, didn’t frustrate me entirely as much as i would think it would. Yes, there are times, apart from last week mostly, when i want to scream, “LOOK HERE! THIS IS HAPPENING NOW! AND YOU’RE MISSING IT!!! YOU ARE DWINDLING AWAY YOUR LIFE HERE on EARTH NOT CONSCIOUS OF THE THINGS THAT ARE MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!!!!!! NOT THAT! NOT THAT F*****G TELEVISION SHOW!!!!!” Seriously, who cares what happens next episode, who wins what game? it doesnt matter. DOES NOT matter. the end.

But then again, here i am, spending time staring at a computer screen, dwindling my life away typing typing typing…. no one wins. So i’ll let it go.

But, last week, i was okay. I watched tv with people i care about. and i was happy about it. Other recreation was great. It didn’t get too crazy and it was never boring. I’m not exhausted from the trip in any way. The people i went with are awesome people. And patient too. I’m an asshole.
And rightfully dubbed so: I won the title nearly each and every time we played that game. But they taught me to play Euchre (which will be a great triumph to my family, as they have failed in getting me to sit down long enough to teach it to me) and i seemed to have done much better with that. Although, i think everyone was just being super nice. It’s fun anyway. I loved getting to know them all better.
I had a great time with my gentleman. He is the greatest guy i know, and I probably don’t deserve him. But that’s just gonna be between you and me. Let’s not tell him that. but no, i’m serious. But, yes, i do. I do deserve the greatest guy. So there. mehh!

I spoil myself.

No joking either.
I bought a black pearl necklace while in St. Augustine, and it’s lovely.
I bought it from an old Polish woman who said to me, “A woman needs to treat herself now and then. If she does not, then no one will!”

and i agree. haaha.

SO school. Back to the school bull crap. which it really is.
I’m taking a crap ton more credit hours, but a lighter load, if that makes any sense. Only 2 studios, and 4 academics. It should go a lot smoother. BUT, we’ll see, wont we?

Showa time baby, i got an 8am 35mm photography studio tomorrow. whoo hoo.

Um HECTIC. that is this week. infact, that’s most of the weeks lately. TIRED. OF. IT.

What i’d REALLY like, is to hop in a nice red(ish) Xterra on March 17th and drive to St. Augustine Florida, and watch the sunrise the next morning. And the following days, I’d like nothing better than to LAY. LAY and ROAST. sunshine. and messy hair. and a nice drink. and a nice guy perhaps. heh heh.

So, yep, i think that’s what im gonna do.

HOWEVER, we’re not letting ourself actually fully believe this is going to take place, PARCEQUE, this lady tends to get let down always at the last minute, and thus the heart breaks. Yes, even over visiting sunny florida with friends and a handsome gentleman. SO, we’re not going to believe it, so that if for some retarded reason (and with my luck, you never know) it ends up not happening, i can always say, i knew it. and then move on. IF, however, things go according to plan (and again, with my luck, things never do) i can freely poop my pants on the ride down. Oh no wait, i’ve recently been told that i’d have to hold it until i reach the ocean. psh, come on, we all know carolyn will get overexcited and probably just pass out, as soon as she touches the car door, from sheer euphoria.

shhh. no excitement allowed. not yet. alhkefgaljghldkjhgalkdj

anyway. besides all of that hoohaa, there was something of utter importance i was feeling i wanted to write the other day, and now that im here, of course, i cant remember what it was. ehh.

One person i REALLY respect and look up to: Allen Cochran.
One thing a CANNOT stand about UC: each and every “advisor” i’ve come across.

My last advisor, to give all an idea, told me that I would never be able to be accepted into DAAP, and that I should go to another school. BITE ME.

I recently met with my current advisor, slightly panicked about my choice of carreer path. ART. There is a lot and at the same time, very little that i can do with ART. (and french, im doin the french too. been doin that for 10 years dang me) I can do more things with it than i am aware, and for all that i know, i’ll end up a manager of a family constructed and owned hotel/resort down in Mexico (which my cousins and I have been planning on doing for a few years now by the way). har.

YEAH, so i met up with her, and basically told her that i’ve kind of run smack into reality as far as how i am going to financially support myself once i get out of college. My problem, i’ve realized, is that i’ve always followed what i like to do with little regard for my future. I do art, simply because I learn the most while doing it. I learn the most about myself. I realized i’ve been attending college these three years to learn more about myself. While going to college, learning about ones self is of course one of the things that happen regardless, and is needed to happen in order to become the person one strives to be.
HOWEVER: I believe that i’ve skipped something/missed out on something in the way of preparing for my future career. Maybe I’m not intended to have one really. … that’s kind of a sickening thought. I mean, between you and me, we all know no one really wants to work. But in another way, we do. I want to make money doing something I like, know that i can support myself. And it’s absolutely entirely possible.

(again)HOWEVER, I feel that I’ve attended school, for lack of better description, philosophizing. Philosphizing about the nature of people, the nature of art, religion, love, life. Intertwining all of those aspects, and turning them over and over, having experiences, and creating artwork that reflect reactions and or feelings based off of the moment. (which i suppose is fitting, considering my Major: FINE ART) durrrr.

BUT, This PHILOSOPHIZING is getting me nowhere. NOWHERE. And i’ve just stumbled across this realization, as if i’ve been shaken awake from a deep sleep, suddenly, this recent school year. Yikes. here i am. Almost $60,000 in debt, and yikes. what am i gonna do?

MY ADVISOR. she tells me, it would have been helpful if i’d have taken a certain class that helps daap students with the worries i’m currently facing. But that i wont have a chance to take it until winter of next year.
Helpful. okay. i felt a little better. I might actually be getting some help here.

But then she asks me that STUPID question, “well, what do you like to do?” I seriously wanted to take a machete, chop her head off and hurl it down the freshman studio corridor.

And of course, me being me, I answered with a tiny girlish, “I dont know”
HELL. I know what i like to do!!!!! I AM IN ART. THAT. IS. WHAT. I. LIKE. TO. DO. I am sitting infront of her, HOPING she can tell me someting I could go into that involves what is clear that i like to do.
I mean a student would HOPE that his/her advisor could show them a career that appeals to the student, seeing as how we are SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO ATTEND A SCHOOL THAT IS SUPPOSED TO PREPARE US FOR A NICE CAREER. The LEAST an advisor could do, is help out the people who are paying their salary.

BUT NO.

THIS is what my (tenured) advisor tells me:
“Well, Carolyn, it depends on what you want out of life” ahhduh.
“I mean, is money important to you? Do you want to have a large house and a nice car? It’s all about what kind of lifestyle you want to lead. I, personally, live in a small, humble house with an average income. I have a secure job and i love it. It’s all about what you deem the most important to you.”

By now, i was most seriously contemplating scalping my advisor.
She was making me feel as if all i was concerned with is how much money i am going to make with the area i’m studying.

OF COURSE you have to think about it! BUT more importantly, i am concerned with HOW IN HELL i am going to pay off my GAZILLION dollar debt i’ve put myself in so that i can get a “nice” education.

I wasnt going to say that to her though, by that point, i realized it was just better to sit there, elbows resting on knees, hands clasped together, nodding and looking very interested in her advice, as if it was the very first time i’d ever heard the words she was using.

NEEDLESS to say, towards the end of the meeting with my current advisor, she answered her phone, talked for about 10 minutes, hung up, and said, “i’m sorry, i gotta go eat lunch, i’m just going to leave you here, if you dont mind.”

And no i didnt mind. she left as i packed my drawn out schedule/credit hours remaining and possible courses-to-be-taken notes back into my bookbag and then went to class.

….hmm.

I guess i’m just looking for SOMEONE who knows what to do. My parents cant help. and for three years, the UNIVERSITY hasn’t helped.
I know i know i know. I am absolutely not the only 21 year old brown haired girl studying art and french in the world who has no idea what they’re going to do. But, sometimes, it’s nice to know that you have some person who’s genuinely interested in helping you find what you’re looking for. It seems to me, that everyone’s just out for themselves. which is fine. I’m out for myself without a doubt. But if it’s your JOB to do that, if you’re getting PAID to do that….i mean come on. help! i feel choked!

ah. wayyyyy enough of that. LAST PROJECT TO COMPLETE MANANA!!!!!!!! GET TO BE WITH MY GENTLEMAN TOMORROW! and that’s whats keeping me going. is that bad? probably. Je m’en fiche.

it’s pouring.

I really don’t like seeing people i care about be unhappy. It makes me really sad.

akin to:

 

 

Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we’re already fightin’
Young Noah: Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It’s not that simple.
Young Noah: What… do… you… want? Whaddaya want?

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Noah: I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

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Joel: I don’t see anything I don’t like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that’s what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.  
Clementine: Okay?
Joel: Okay.

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a decision.

P.S.

I love my mother’s family.

Something my Aunt Suzie said today…actually MANY things my Aunt Suzie said today, along with other things said by my 5 other aunts, really struck a nerve in me.

There are things that as a child and while growing up, we’re all told to stay away from… or that they’re bad… or they could potentially cause harm to your life. Drugs… alcohol…sex.. among other things. Abusive behavior, to be more exact.

I’ve always known, and always completely understood why not to do drugs, view pornography, drink too much alcohol. But everyone insists on learning the hard way, right? That’s how it’s always been.

I mean, you hear about/see movies about people who’ve become drug addicts, alcoholics, pedophiles… but do you EVER think, “that could be ME one day.” No. We never think that, cause it wont happen to us, those people are sickos.

Well let me tell all: I have drug addicts, alcoholics, pedophiles in my family. I have seen what has lead these people up to the point of destruction in their lives, and i am seeing now the consequences and the loss of direction and the misery these people are now suffering under.

I have a point, but ive got to go somewhere right now. I just had to get a little bit of this off of my chest.

So this is strange….

This week was not so good, other than being taken out by my gentleman to eat at J. Alexander’s.
I have not had much sleep, and for my 8am photography class, i have slept in both days, and come to class very late. I have not finished my assignment which is due next week. I have not finished my printmaking assignment due monday, i have a LOT of studying to do for French, which i have been abusively neglecting. I have NO money. My job at Starbucks SUCKS and they arent scheduling me because im a full time student and can only work 12 hours a week. BUT i MUST work 12 hours a week…. I NEED to pay bills. Im the Treasurer of The Fine Arts Association and we’re planning a large-scale art/fashion/design show, and i have to write the ENORMOUS budget..which we’re trying to have ready in half the amount of time it took to plan this event last year. I’m happily getting help from Mooogan with the budget. But im stressed out because the executive members of the FAA, including myself, are all brand new this year, and we might as well stick out heads in the ground because our rear ends are more useful to everyone than our knowledge of how everything is run. And more trivially: i have been invited to go to Florida for spring break, which would be absolutely AMAZING because i’ve never been anywhere for spring break. I’m 21. And i love the SUN. BUT, i dont have money. i dont have a credit card, but looking into getting one…its about dang time you know. And i want a new bathing suit.

I went to the FAA meeting really tired and stressed. Later Allen messaged me asking me if anything was wrong…talked to me about possible places i could find another job…. the thing that struck me as so strange was, how he could tell i was stressed, and how concerned he seemed to be about it.

Furthermore, I recieved a message from my exboyfriend asking me if everything was alright and if i needed to talk.

I mean, would no one find this all vrey strange?
I know my troubles are insignificant in the grand scheme of life…. but maybe theres something else of which i’m unaware. I’m just slightly puzzled.

However, i have finalllly discovered the true relief of working out. I’ve always tried to work out, keep in shape, but always reluctantly. Within this past month, it’s REALLY helped me feel a lot less stressed. And so much better. Plus, having a potential motivation of going to Florida… that keeps me at it.

TODAY, i got up and went downstair to Fifth Third to deposit 2 crummy checks from Starbucks. The teller saw that i worked there and said something to me about it, and i mumbled something about crappy hours and needing another job.
“You wanna work at the bank?”

!!!

So i guess this guy was the Manager. He gave me his card and told me to send in a resume.

Did it.

Strange coincidences? i mean, am i going a little crazy here?

welp. love to stay and chat, but i need to take a shower, and go to the bar with my gentleman.

He makes me feel like gold.

That’s a good feeling. if you didn’t know.