Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.
-Meet Joe Black

mais, c’est difficile.

http://enya0305.livejournal.com/profile

^^^please Read the BIO section. I feel it’s important.
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Accumulation of witnessing different people making changes to their life:

I wonder at the kind of person who makes the extreme change in their life. An extreme change in the way of thinking, living.

There are the people who seem to cling to their family, station themselves around extended family, live in the same town as their entire family. Live their lives in eachother’s business day in and day out.

There are also the people who move away from their family, far away perhaps, the people which the rest of the family never sees -loves just the same, mind you- but just arent as involved as the rest of the family.

There are the people who change their life to align with that of their spouse, and consequentially, turn from the life they’d lived including the family they’d grown up with.

The people who change. Those are whom i consider to be extremely strong individuals. As much as i cannot fathom the pain that occurs when giving birth, I cannot fathom changing my life and turning from my family.

When I say “turn from my family” I do not say this in a negative sense whatsoever. I say it referring to the style of life; the developed growth of the understanding of what the family has taught eachother as being a correct way of living one’s life.

I think that there comes a point in everyone’s life where a decision to do this ‘turning’ must occur.

My mom met my dad. My mom ‘left’ (or ‘turned from’) her family (7 siblings and extended family) in Cincinnati to live and start a family of her own with my dad in Lebanon (where his family lives).

In no way am I stating that one leaves their family entirely and never returns to visit or communicates with said family. My mom, dad, brother, sister and i all visit and love my mother’s side of the family just as much as we do my father’s side.

I would take a healthy wager that most families are this way… habitating nearer to one side of the family than the other, and of course maintain a healthy, loving relationship with both sides.

There is also the kind of ‘turning’ that i consider more literally: The ‘turning’ from one’s family in order to grow individually and maintain a healthier person. I know of individuals who have not had a healthy relationship with their father and/or mother and who have decided to move away/ not communicate with the rest of the family in order to maintain emotional health.

I’ve come somewhat to a conclusion of a stirring thought of what I’ve always been made aware as a growing individual about the importance of family.

“Your current family is not as important as the family you are going to have.”

I found this statement harsh at first. Of course my current family is important to me! My current family is the MOST important thing to me!
But then I thought about it more. I am going to have to MAKE one from scratch. It WILL take my priority. My own children and their raising WILL BE the most important to me.

Of course, having read this statement, I am not going to begin to think that I can throw my current family to the wind, because they’re not in my future. Of COURSE they will be. Without my mom and my dad, my brother and my siser, my cousins and aunts and uncles, I’d have no one to go to for comfort, help, advice… And mostly, their love is cherished by myself; something no one will ever rule out of their future.

I have grown up surrounded by a GUHzillion cousins, second cousins, heck, even third cousins, aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, great great aunts and uncles…. on and on and on, lots of family. Everyone knows what everyone else is doing, who’s in trouble for doing what, who’s currently mad at who for doing or saying what, who’s currently got bad grades, who’s dating who… on and on and on.
If you still don’t get the point, think of the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Tons of people, in everybody’s business.
I love it. that’s how ive grown up. I don’t mind it.

Having said this, I hope that there is somewhat of an understanding of what i’m coming from.

ALSO having said this, I want to say that out of these huge families- who are in everybody’s face, almost like bacteria- there are some members of the family, who take that ‘turn’ and move to California, the other side of the nation, and create a family of their own.

And redundantly (hopefully the last time) i say that having said this, I wonder what makes the individual branch out. Branch off of the “bacteria pool” that is a huge family living within close proximity of eachother.

And I slightly come to the conclusion that these people who branch are taking consideration of the previous quote; the family you will create is more important.

I ONLY slightly agree with this, because the act of moving to the other side of the continent does not constitute weighing a heavier importance upon the family that you are creating.

The issue I have is this:

Having grown up so immersed in my extended family, I find it hard to fathom the possibility of one day not living within 20, much less, 5 minutes of another family member. (heck, my uncle and three cousins live next door to my parent’s house in Lebanon)

There are a number of different things that may ‘take’ me away from my family. None of which I am thinking of under negative terms. I could further my education (that’s a good laugh) in california, even Paris, I could find a great job in Georgia, I could get married and have to live close to where my spouse works in NYC… any of these things could pull me away from the environment in which i have been raised.

I see my friend who changed the way she was raised so that she would be more unified with her fiance. I see my aunt (1 out of 8 siblings) and her husband who have infact moved to California, away from any family, all of whom live in Ohio, to create a home and start a family from scratch. I see another aunt who does not communicate with her mother in order to maintain peace throughout the rest of the family. These people being examples among many other examples I have seen.

I have a sudden urge to ask them all: How did you do it?

I don’t know why, except for the fact that my bittersweet feeling that i’ve begun to feel in my personal revelation/revolution/evolution i believe has something to do with my eventual detaching myself from my family. I don’t know. I’ve just realized that I will someday be faced with this fact of life.

haha, in a way, it also has to do with realizing that I’m becoming my own individual, and my own stability. But I have a slight feeling that perhaps I will find myself, at a point in my life, far away from what I know now.

I’m frightened and thrilled by the thought of this. I can’t imagine how I would handle the change. But I know I would. All in all, it comes down to me having faith that God will give me nothing I can’t handle.
I think this is one of the FEW things about my life where I can say, I’ll just have to cross that river when I get to it.

Thank you for listening. and good night Cincinnati.

“The universe is made of circles
The cycle of life is a circle
And we are made almost entirely of water
Then we evaporate and rain onto eachother like dreams.”

————Joseph Arthur

I will not tolerate any person who raises their voice in a violent manner, or acts out in any sort of violent manner as a result of having a bad temper and/or at the cause of alcohol- whether it causes direct physical or emotional pain to another person or not. I will never tolerate these actions because i know, no one ever wants to hurt anybody. No one ever MEANS to hurt anybody. But sometimes, a temper can and will go out of control. I have been in VERY similar situations with past boyfriends whom i never dreamed would be “that kind of person” I have seen my cousin go through a marriage with a man who is a good man. He is a good man whom you would never dream to act out in such a manner. But it HAPPENED.
And this is why I will ALWAYS be past the point of extremely cautious when it comes to this issue. NO woman deserves to be yelled at in such a way. I will take no excuse, personal, or medical. If an excuse must be made to allow such actions to take place, then I will not allow any friend or relative of mine to be around the person who cannot control him/herself.

We, everyone, will fall short of expectations.
Do not let that, however, drive the self away from what is a good thing. or person/s.

but do not forget either.

I stole this from my friend Robin’s wall o’ quotes and I believe it’s something that can give all girls patience.

~Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stay awake to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says,….”thats her.”~

mediocrity just won’t cut it.

Just wait.

I made a disturbing discovery today while walking home after my Intro Media art and thinking about how frighteningly wierd my professor is:

I think my artistic self has evolved. AND/OR: I think that my artistic self has begun a revolution within.

I have stated in the past that all artists are selfish. I continue to stand by this satement. generally.
i shall stand by it until i learn otherwise anyway.

Explanation:

WHY create art? Why do artists create art? What do artists get out of doing artwork?

It is my personal belief that artists create in order to grow.
Art is somewhat of an outlet from the real world. Anything can happen. The artist can command the pencil, the paintbrush, the charcoal, the stone, the piano, the guitar to form any sort of mark, shape, form, note or sound that he/she pleases. It is a release for the artist to compose in whatever medium he/she chooses from the drudgery of every day life. In doing art, the artist generally and normally is contemplating a subject of their own interest. A subject that is personal to the artist. Art can’t NOT be without meaning to the artist. It just can’t.

I scribble a dark mark onto a piece of paper and call it art. First of all, it’s art because I call it so. Second of all, the mark was made out of some emotion or reaction that caused me to make it, whether i’m aware of it and can call it by name or not.

Now you’ll have some people say, well what about Andy Warhol? Warhol’s art was all based upon the idea of art being created by a machine, with no emotional attatchments to it whatsoever.
The very idea of his works is the human attachment to his art. The artist cannot escape it. By calling it art, by claiming it, the artist attaches his mind, his ideas, his emotions. Correction: By CREATING art, the attachment is made.

With all of this in mind, I state that the Artist is a particularily selfish being. I might also take a larger jump by stating that all art (ESPECIALLY FINE ART) is created for self exploration.

If you’re a person who doesn’t consider yourself artsy, think about a time when you’ve looked at a piece or art and thought, “I don’t get it.” or “That is wierd”. Can you think of just one?
If you can remember what that image was, i’m going to tell you that whoever created that piece of art, did not intend for people to “get it” and did not care if it appeared wierd. To that artist, what he/she created was part of the happenings of his/her own life at the time. By ‘happenings’ i mean not only literal happenings, but maybe psychological happenings, anything really.

Artists create when they feel sad, happy, angry, depressed, excited, relaxed, etc… and it shows through their work. As an artist, when i create when i’m feeling a certain way, or something particular is happening in my family or in our nation or world, or i’ve been thinking about something that’s troubling me, or i’m confused about what i should do in a cartain situation, I am learning about myself. As an artist, I could almost say, I’m doctoring myself.

And again, as i’ve stated before- more or less -art tells what is going on inside the artist. It reveals truths. NOT LITERALLY reveals truths… for example, if i draw a picture of Jesus Christ as a woman, I’m in no way revealing the truth about Jesus Christ’s gender. It could suggest something else…. i dont know…like.. i could be depicting Jesus Christ as myself in an attempt for me to grow closer to living like Christ. or anything! Only the artist can know what he/she’s created. And even then, the artist him/herself may not even understand the reason for the marks they’ve made or the images they’ve depicted. But they key object here is that the artist created and personally grew from it.

Artists are not out to try and change the world. Many say they are. But I believe that they’ve just got their understandings of their own purposes mixed up and skewed. For example, making a piece of work that is politically offending to a group of people is not made to change how that group of people thinks. It is made to offend. And more so, for the pleasure of the artist. AND EVEN MORE SO, it is created out of reaction. If artists could change the world, they would be creating not out of reaction to things that have already happened. It’s almost as if artists are the social world’s whores, who create in reaction to the social world’s acts.

Artists create for no other than themselves. AAAAnd yet again, i state, that even if an artist paints a picture for you or OF you, or writes you a song, writes it ABOUT you, gives it to you, calls it Your Song, its never really yours. It always belongs to the artist. He/she’s just letting it sit in your house, letting you believe believe its yours. Once the work is completed, the understanding that the artist gains from the act of creating it, has already been had.

THEREFORE: The artist is a selfish being.

I have been through art classes and listened to artists talk my whole life. More recently, i’ve been highly concentrated around it for the past three years. All of the art is just everybody trying to figure out where they’ve come from and where they’re going.

And that is why i feel like i don’t fit in so much anymore. Those famous artists, i believe that there are many of them who died and never figured out what IT was. Of course, one can always continue to create art. You cant just ever “have been” an artist. One always is. But i believe that once the artist discovers the big thing about him/herself that they’ve been looking for, the urgent need to constantly create dissipates.

I am not suggesting anything about my self as far as my knowing who i am. I think part of life’s journey is figuring out who you are. But I’ve begun to see a different destiny i may have. It’s a bittersweet feeling. A passing through one threshold and entering another but always leaving the door open.

I do not want to be going to class any more. no. no more!!!

But then again, i’d rather be in class, than working full time at a job i dont care about with people i dont like. so. ok.

The only thing i wish i had been able to do while i was in Florida, is lay out more. But, spending time with people i care about and growing in friendship was and is a certain kind of a new epiphany that seems more important to me finally. And most of the people i was with chose to stare at the television for a good amount of the time we were there. WHICH, for a first case, didn’t frustrate me entirely as much as i would think it would. Yes, there are times, apart from last week mostly, when i want to scream, “LOOK HERE! THIS IS HAPPENING NOW! AND YOU’RE MISSING IT!!! YOU ARE DWINDLING AWAY YOUR LIFE HERE on EARTH NOT CONSCIOUS OF THE THINGS THAT ARE MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU!!!!!! NOT THAT! NOT THAT F*****G TELEVISION SHOW!!!!!” Seriously, who cares what happens next episode, who wins what game? it doesnt matter. DOES NOT matter. the end.

But then again, here i am, spending time staring at a computer screen, dwindling my life away typing typing typing…. no one wins. So i’ll let it go.

But, last week, i was okay. I watched tv with people i care about. and i was happy about it. Other recreation was great. It didn’t get too crazy and it was never boring. I’m not exhausted from the trip in any way. The people i went with are awesome people. And patient too. I’m an asshole.
And rightfully dubbed so: I won the title nearly each and every time we played that game. But they taught me to play Euchre (which will be a great triumph to my family, as they have failed in getting me to sit down long enough to teach it to me) and i seemed to have done much better with that. Although, i think everyone was just being super nice. It’s fun anyway. I loved getting to know them all better.
I had a great time with my gentleman. He is the greatest guy i know, and I probably don’t deserve him. But that’s just gonna be between you and me. Let’s not tell him that. but no, i’m serious. But, yes, i do. I do deserve the greatest guy. So there. mehh!

I spoil myself.

No joking either.
I bought a black pearl necklace while in St. Augustine, and it’s lovely.
I bought it from an old Polish woman who said to me, “A woman needs to treat herself now and then. If she does not, then no one will!”

and i agree. haaha.

SO school. Back to the school bull crap. which it really is.
I’m taking a crap ton more credit hours, but a lighter load, if that makes any sense. Only 2 studios, and 4 academics. It should go a lot smoother. BUT, we’ll see, wont we?

Showa time baby, i got an 8am 35mm photography studio tomorrow. whoo hoo.

Um HECTIC. that is this week. infact, that’s most of the weeks lately. TIRED. OF. IT.

What i’d REALLY like, is to hop in a nice red(ish) Xterra on March 17th and drive to St. Augustine Florida, and watch the sunrise the next morning. And the following days, I’d like nothing better than to LAY. LAY and ROAST. sunshine. and messy hair. and a nice drink. and a nice guy perhaps. heh heh.

So, yep, i think that’s what im gonna do.

HOWEVER, we’re not letting ourself actually fully believe this is going to take place, PARCEQUE, this lady tends to get let down always at the last minute, and thus the heart breaks. Yes, even over visiting sunny florida with friends and a handsome gentleman. SO, we’re not going to believe it, so that if for some retarded reason (and with my luck, you never know) it ends up not happening, i can always say, i knew it. and then move on. IF, however, things go according to plan (and again, with my luck, things never do) i can freely poop my pants on the ride down. Oh no wait, i’ve recently been told that i’d have to hold it until i reach the ocean. psh, come on, we all know carolyn will get overexcited and probably just pass out, as soon as she touches the car door, from sheer euphoria.

shhh. no excitement allowed. not yet. alhkefgaljghldkjhgalkdj

anyway. besides all of that hoohaa, there was something of utter importance i was feeling i wanted to write the other day, and now that im here, of course, i cant remember what it was. ehh.

One person i REALLY respect and look up to: Allen Cochran.
One thing a CANNOT stand about UC: each and every “advisor” i’ve come across.

My last advisor, to give all an idea, told me that I would never be able to be accepted into DAAP, and that I should go to another school. BITE ME.

I recently met with my current advisor, slightly panicked about my choice of carreer path. ART. There is a lot and at the same time, very little that i can do with ART. (and french, im doin the french too. been doin that for 10 years dang me) I can do more things with it than i am aware, and for all that i know, i’ll end up a manager of a family constructed and owned hotel/resort down in Mexico (which my cousins and I have been planning on doing for a few years now by the way). har.

YEAH, so i met up with her, and basically told her that i’ve kind of run smack into reality as far as how i am going to financially support myself once i get out of college. My problem, i’ve realized, is that i’ve always followed what i like to do with little regard for my future. I do art, simply because I learn the most while doing it. I learn the most about myself. I realized i’ve been attending college these three years to learn more about myself. While going to college, learning about ones self is of course one of the things that happen regardless, and is needed to happen in order to become the person one strives to be.
HOWEVER: I believe that i’ve skipped something/missed out on something in the way of preparing for my future career. Maybe I’m not intended to have one really. … that’s kind of a sickening thought. I mean, between you and me, we all know no one really wants to work. But in another way, we do. I want to make money doing something I like, know that i can support myself. And it’s absolutely entirely possible.

(again)HOWEVER, I feel that I’ve attended school, for lack of better description, philosophizing. Philosphizing about the nature of people, the nature of art, religion, love, life. Intertwining all of those aspects, and turning them over and over, having experiences, and creating artwork that reflect reactions and or feelings based off of the moment. (which i suppose is fitting, considering my Major: FINE ART) durrrr.

BUT, This PHILOSOPHIZING is getting me nowhere. NOWHERE. And i’ve just stumbled across this realization, as if i’ve been shaken awake from a deep sleep, suddenly, this recent school year. Yikes. here i am. Almost $60,000 in debt, and yikes. what am i gonna do?

MY ADVISOR. she tells me, it would have been helpful if i’d have taken a certain class that helps daap students with the worries i’m currently facing. But that i wont have a chance to take it until winter of next year.
Helpful. okay. i felt a little better. I might actually be getting some help here.

But then she asks me that STUPID question, “well, what do you like to do?” I seriously wanted to take a machete, chop her head off and hurl it down the freshman studio corridor.

And of course, me being me, I answered with a tiny girlish, “I dont know”
HELL. I know what i like to do!!!!! I AM IN ART. THAT. IS. WHAT. I. LIKE. TO. DO. I am sitting infront of her, HOPING she can tell me someting I could go into that involves what is clear that i like to do.
I mean a student would HOPE that his/her advisor could show them a career that appeals to the student, seeing as how we are SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO ATTEND A SCHOOL THAT IS SUPPOSED TO PREPARE US FOR A NICE CAREER. The LEAST an advisor could do, is help out the people who are paying their salary.

BUT NO.

THIS is what my (tenured) advisor tells me:
“Well, Carolyn, it depends on what you want out of life” ahhduh.
“I mean, is money important to you? Do you want to have a large house and a nice car? It’s all about what kind of lifestyle you want to lead. I, personally, live in a small, humble house with an average income. I have a secure job and i love it. It’s all about what you deem the most important to you.”

By now, i was most seriously contemplating scalping my advisor.
She was making me feel as if all i was concerned with is how much money i am going to make with the area i’m studying.

OF COURSE you have to think about it! BUT more importantly, i am concerned with HOW IN HELL i am going to pay off my GAZILLION dollar debt i’ve put myself in so that i can get a “nice” education.

I wasnt going to say that to her though, by that point, i realized it was just better to sit there, elbows resting on knees, hands clasped together, nodding and looking very interested in her advice, as if it was the very first time i’d ever heard the words she was using.

NEEDLESS to say, towards the end of the meeting with my current advisor, she answered her phone, talked for about 10 minutes, hung up, and said, “i’m sorry, i gotta go eat lunch, i’m just going to leave you here, if you dont mind.”

And no i didnt mind. she left as i packed my drawn out schedule/credit hours remaining and possible courses-to-be-taken notes back into my bookbag and then went to class.

….hmm.

I guess i’m just looking for SOMEONE who knows what to do. My parents cant help. and for three years, the UNIVERSITY hasn’t helped.
I know i know i know. I am absolutely not the only 21 year old brown haired girl studying art and french in the world who has no idea what they’re going to do. But, sometimes, it’s nice to know that you have some person who’s genuinely interested in helping you find what you’re looking for. It seems to me, that everyone’s just out for themselves. which is fine. I’m out for myself without a doubt. But if it’s your JOB to do that, if you’re getting PAID to do that….i mean come on. help! i feel choked!

ah. wayyyyy enough of that. LAST PROJECT TO COMPLETE MANANA!!!!!!!! GET TO BE WITH MY GENTLEMAN TOMORROW! and that’s whats keeping me going. is that bad? probably. Je m’en fiche.