Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

So Andy is really awesome and magically imported my whole LiveJournal to Catholic Destination!!!  

I scanned through some of my past writings and most of it is just plain silliness; Some of it caused me to shudder at myself; and other entries seemed almost prophetic.  And then, it’s been about a year since i’ve actually sat down with intent to ‘bloooog’.   Blog.  That word, the whole idea of blogging still seems dumb to me.  And yet here I am!
K enough of this nonsense.

Yes, I was informed that one can import an already existing blog into this one???  I have a live journal account that (well, I actually haven’t written in it for a year) I’ve maintained for at least 3 years.  It’s not worth anything, but later tonight after work, I’ll try and import it! 

Glad CatholicDestination has a blogsite!

The ring i made in high school broke.
I loved that ring. :\

LIFE.

Well, off to Gloss. dont know if ill enjoy it as much this year.

erase.

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.

wow, 2 in one day, can you believe it? Ahh, I came to LTown for Mothers day weekend and, what can I say, it’s Lebanon. Il n’y a SQUAT to do… except blow my nose once every five minutes. slobber.

I happened to look backwards. What was I thinking exactly one year ago today? Realizing that I’ve belonged to this account for over a year, -which i cannot believe- I checked to see if i’d written a year ago, May 13, 2005. And I had.

I cannot believe the person I was just only a year ago. Last year’s nothing compared to this year. It’s truly amazing to look back and see the person you have been. I feel as if I’ve fallen through a bajillion different layers of understanding and growing just within this year, as if I realized many different things all at once.

I feel slightly sad to have moved on and to have left old parts of myself behind, but so glad I’m not just stuck.

I’m oooooooooooookay. hhh’ok. Ah life.

So here we go again.

I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, just about to turn around so that I can gain some accelleration distance in order to take one huge leap. Do i need a running start though? Maybe I think I do only because Im frightened I wont make it.

I am about to make a very important decision. There is no longer time to wade in the gray waters of “both-land”. It has to be THIS or THAT. A choice that must be made. A choice that I never in my life thought i’d ever come to having to make. It’s frightening.

And I already know the answer. But I want to think that I’m still not sure. Because I am afraid.

I believe that by making this decision, i am verifying that i’ve grown far away from my adolescence. Believe me, I dont want to make it. I don’t want to choose.

I’ve come to an understanding about myself at this point; which tells me that whatever decision I make, I don’t wholly care because this choice has nothing to do with the desire of my heart…(the Truth, rather…which I’ve dappled into a few entries back).

BUT. As I was speaking to someone about my current issue, I also relayed to her my worries of the future- which entail what I REALLY want in this life. I worry so SO SOOO horribly that the decision I make here will interfere with the only thing I care to have.
“What if? what if??? What IF?!” I always argue with myself. “If i make this decision, what happens if i do? Will I be happy?”

If I’m currently in a state where il y a un potential pour un futur que je voudrais, i will find myself not wanting to make a decision that may throw it off.

HOWEVER. This person who was speaking with me, seemed to -strangely and inately- sense what I am worrying over, and said to me, “Do NOT worry about something that hasn’t happened yet. DO NOT WORRY about something that isn’t promised.”

A first reaction to this was obstinate of course. I worry. THAT’S WHAT I DO. I want things to happen so badly that I can’t help but worry that I might be taking the wrong step! Things don’t just sporradically and wonderfully happen to me!

BUT then again, one must recognize the fact that if something has not definitely happened, or something is not promised to happen, or there has been no utternace of it, why on earth should one believe that it will happen!?

I have hope. And that is what I suddenly recognize is the only thing I can allow myself to have at this point.
Having come to these terms, I feel more encouraged to make this decision without further regard to where I’ll end up years down the road. That meaning i can feel better about making this decision instead of worrying all the while about something that isnt even of existance yet.

And with those thoughts in mind, I have a separate question I want to ask. You know, I’m not just fooling around here. This isn’t just for nothing. I’m not wasting time. Are you?

One MUST think of the future. Consider it. But not worry about it…… ehh. that’s a tough job.

You know, i feel that i’m good at helping someone with their problems…
but my own problems? I’m as helpless as a kid. why is that, i wonder?

I have not felt like myself recently. I dont know why. Not only have i not felt like myself lately, i have also been feeling like super self-conscious. Again, I don’t know why.

I wish i could fix that. But if i don’t know what’s causing it, i dont know how i can go about changing it. I’m trying anyway. Perhaps it’s all in my demeanor. I try, but it feels like there’s something weighing me down and i can’t put my finger on it.

eh, knowing me and my constant ups and downs, i’ll probably feel like normal in like 15 minutes. oh LIFE.