Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

I am not comfortable with being -for lack of a better term- worshipped.  And I dare not flatter myself by saying that I am worshipped.  But take the simple example of how I receive a small compliment:  (whether my outward appearance displays it or not) I become quickly embarrassed and uncomfortable, and quickly change the conversation to a new focus- after having given thanks for the kindness of the compliment, of course.  Part of me, while I am thankful for what my Dearest God has given me, just wants to fit in.  And I find that I really kind of don’t.  I know people who would tell me all the things I could do and accomplish with what I have- and while I am motivated by realizing I don’t know my own strength or capabilities, I still just want to be one of the group.  Is that not just INSANE?  Many would tell me that I am crazy for just wanting to blend.  There’s such an interior struggle in my heart and mind which wishes so much to shine and stand out and LEAD, but also wants to be able to just feel plain.  Because with the gifts I have been given it is difficult to not have my head turned towards vain and selfish thoughts of a certain superiority or pride- a superiority that is only of this earth, and therefore not worthy or superior whatsoever in the eyes of God.

I am hesitant to try and use it to the best of my advantage for good.  I am hesitant because of an individual who uses this same type of gift, and just SOAKS it up.  This individual soaks up any and all attention, deceiving himself that he feels full and satisfied with life. 

Parhaps I’m wrong.  But when he goes to bed at night, after “hamming it up” with all of the ‘big dogs’ of the local society, he goes to bed alone.  And with this saturation of received compliments and fawnings, is it possible to become blind to the one person whose emotions and compliments really matter to you?  Or does that person not mean as much to you as you thought?  And maybe he doesnt go to bed alone.  “Afterall, who wouldn’t want to go to bed with ME?!” he would say.  okay, so then what happens is he proceeds into his elder years with no constant one who individually loves him, cares for him, and knows him. 
I feel that people like this, who looove the limelight, just skim the surface of relationships with people- never become fully capable of keeping a trust, or a deep rooted, decided will of love.

again maybe I’m WAY wrong in these wonderings.  but if not, I just want to be plain.  To be plain, and fully aware of God’s true love, is the fulfillment of life to me.  Not the limelight- because that doesn’t last past death.