Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

I find it strange that every time I decide to publish my thoughts onto something tangible, something crazy and very relevant pops up right after I’ve written.  its WIERD! 
My mind was preparing for the next step before I knew it was there! 
I have suddenly found myself in a certain type of ‘leadership’ position, which will draw a crap ton of attention upon myself.  and as I was warned- some people will not like that I somehow attained this position and they did not.

 I like to be liked- everyone does.   And I know that in this case, it is unreasonable to have any negative confrontation- and I would hope people would be happy for me..  I understand that you can’t make everyone like you, and that it’s crazy to try to make everyone like you.  I am comfortable with that- as many people are and should be. 

With all of this in mind, I am worried still -even after my tinsy “prophecy” from the other day- about bearing something that I believe I am totally capable of doing, and equipped to do well, and remain humble?  I cannot stand to see obnoxious pride.  You know what?  I know, i will not become that way.  I’m so worried over it, how could I become unaware of my own actions?!  I know I’m probably over reacting.  I AM.  Is it bad to be afraid though????  I think not!  St. Anthony avoided positions of leadership because he knew that he was vulnerable to falling toward a selfish vanity.  heck, if i’m recollecting correctly, I think the guy even whipped himself at times!
Now I’m not gonna go whipping myself— but the point is, that it’s got to be a good thing for me to be aware of my faults and afraid of situations where I have a heightened possibility to fall.  And what makes it SO logical to rationalize is the fact that I am in a new, useful situation where I can learn A LOT, a position I’ve wanted for about a year, a position which is going to help in my long term goals.  So WHYYY should I be afraid? 
I’m tired. i cant think anymore tonight. and i dont know if any of the above makes the slightest bit of sense.

  I worry a lot.  sometimes.  it makes my neck hurt! okay stop.

I am not comfortable with being -for lack of a better term- worshipped.  And I dare not flatter myself by saying that I am worshipped.  But take the simple example of how I receive a small compliment:  (whether my outward appearance displays it or not) I become quickly embarrassed and uncomfortable, and quickly change the conversation to a new focus- after having given thanks for the kindness of the compliment, of course.  Part of me, while I am thankful for what my Dearest God has given me, just wants to fit in.  And I find that I really kind of don’t.  I know people who would tell me all the things I could do and accomplish with what I have- and while I am motivated by realizing I don’t know my own strength or capabilities, I still just want to be one of the group.  Is that not just INSANE?  Many would tell me that I am crazy for just wanting to blend.  There’s such an interior struggle in my heart and mind which wishes so much to shine and stand out and LEAD, but also wants to be able to just feel plain.  Because with the gifts I have been given it is difficult to not have my head turned towards vain and selfish thoughts of a certain superiority or pride- a superiority that is only of this earth, and therefore not worthy or superior whatsoever in the eyes of God.

I am hesitant to try and use it to the best of my advantage for good.  I am hesitant because of an individual who uses this same type of gift, and just SOAKS it up.  This individual soaks up any and all attention, deceiving himself that he feels full and satisfied with life. 

Parhaps I’m wrong.  But when he goes to bed at night, after “hamming it up” with all of the ‘big dogs’ of the local society, he goes to bed alone.  And with this saturation of received compliments and fawnings, is it possible to become blind to the one person whose emotions and compliments really matter to you?  Or does that person not mean as much to you as you thought?  And maybe he doesnt go to bed alone.  “Afterall, who wouldn’t want to go to bed with ME?!” he would say.  okay, so then what happens is he proceeds into his elder years with no constant one who individually loves him, cares for him, and knows him. 
I feel that people like this, who looove the limelight, just skim the surface of relationships with people- never become fully capable of keeping a trust, or a deep rooted, decided will of love.

again maybe I’m WAY wrong in these wonderings.  but if not, I just want to be plain.  To be plain, and fully aware of God’s true love, is the fulfillment of life to me.  Not the limelight- because that doesn’t last past death.

I just want to know how everything is going to happen.  It’s strange, you see someone and you just know, “she’s going to be big one day very soon.”    Big meaning awe-inspiring, something phenominal, a leader. 

and when you look, you see the person sitting there in her parent’s living room, wondering how and when she’s going to get to that point.  i dunno.

I found this little clip of a movie through an old friend’s blog which I stalkerly-like discovered.   I have yet to see this film, however this clip (it’s actually the final scene) really touched me and I would like to share it. 

Here’s the quote from it… you can watch it on YOUTUBE.  (barf) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD9XP0Ane8U

“Marion: It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing.
It hurts so much.
When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing.
Here it is.
One more, one less.
Another wasted love story.
I really love this one.
When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely.
Almost.
Always the same for me.
Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up.
And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him.
And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face,
well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses. ”

 goodnight.

My father is just the best in the whole world. 

I was determined to have my car fixed and talk to the car people all by myself.  I mustered up my girly courage and lack of knowledge about vehicles and sputtered down the highway at 45 mph to the Volkswagen dealership to my appointment I had set up to fix my car. 

Even though my dad gave me a list of things i needed to say with the names of the mechanical things I needed to talk about, I still felt foolish and child-like when talking to the car dude.  and he knew it too.  I waited a good 2 hours so the mechanics could diagnose what was wrong with my car.  The car dude came to meet me in the waiting lounge crouched down next to me sitting in a chair as if I was a little girl, and informed me that to fix my car— something to do with a coil of some sort– would cost 760. 

“seven dollars and sixty cents?” i asked through a laugh.

“uh no,” replied the guy, clearly thinking I was serious.  “maybe you should call your dad.  then tell me what you want to do.”  He stood up and walked back to his desk.

I wanted to chop the guy’s head off.  “maybe you should call your daaaady so he can pay it for you”  is exactly what he was saying.   I was sorry to disappoint but that definitely wasnt coming to him.

Not knowing what to do or say, I did call my dad.  Dad asked to speak with the car dude on the phone, asked some questions and told him to put my car back together, and to not repair it.   i think this disappointed the dude because after he was finished speaking with my father he told me, “okay i’m just gonna finish up your paper work here and it’ll be ready for you in 10 minutes. ”

45 minutes later I came back to his desk and before I could ask him WTF?  he said, “just waiting on your car to dry out, because there’s so much moisture in the air”

So i went and paid the $95 fee charged for “diagnosing” what was wrong with my car and waited another 15 minutes.

Finally got into my car, turned on the ignition, but now the car shuddered so bad I knew it wouldn’t leave the parking lot.  So I gave my father yet another call and he left work to go purchase the part needed to fix my car, and to come and repair it himself.  Dad arrived at the volskwagen dealership but before we left, he went in to speak with the car dude.  I stood there with my father as he yelled at the car dude for trying to carge me more the part was worth ($150), and for more than the time needed to fix the part(1/2 hr).  How was the guy coming up with $760 as the total???  we left as my dad said to the guy, “OKAY, we’ll not be coming back here!”

Long story short, my dad was given the wrong part anyway, and yet my car was able to start and crawl back up the freeway, escorted by my dad driving behind me with his lights flashing, to our house.   After we got home, my dad turned back around and drove back into cincy to get the correct part, came back home and repaired my car within an hour. 

My car runs perfectly now.  I do not know what I’d do without my dad.  I tried to take responsibility- but when the car dude said $760, my head felt sick and I knew I’d not have a car until I could make all that money.  ahhhhhhhh!!!  My dad saved me $515.  THANK GOD.