okay so im not quite done with that last entry.
im gonna spout:
i need to read something good.
some good poetry
shakespeare.
a good story.
something that knows how i feel.
or something that has pieces of what i feel.
i can put them together.
ive been trying to do that since … man. since i learned to draw i guess.
I can only ever find what i cant explain in those words and sounds and paintings written, sung, painted by the ones who must have felt it too.
there are a lot of people out there who are pretending.
to be happy.
to be healthy.
to love.
to be loved.
mistakes.
why? why pretend?
cause it’s easy.
it’s hard to think and to say, “No. this isnt going to work whether i want it to or not. And i need to end it.”
and time. TIME!
WHY does time torture us???
why would you settle?
Why would you suppress an urgent need to stand up, run across the room and tell him he’s wonderful and beautiful and you dont ever want him to go away from you?
Cause you might be hurt.
And you have a nagging fear that he will go away from you even when he says he promises he wont.
i just want everything out on the table. I just want to see it all. make sure it’s all there.
and i dont want to have patience.
i dont want to wait.
things dont happen like in the movies.
but what is similar in life to movies is the fact that circumstances are possible that seem impossible.
i have spent a thousand days and nights in bed today.
a hundred days and nights in the shower earlier this afternoon.
To me, just today, i wondered if each minute was a day, would we cut out all of that bull crap each of us say and do constantly, unnecessarily, all the time?
just say it.
i’ll tell you why we write, sing, draw.
we, all of us are looking for that ONE piece that encompasses that tiny shard of light that feels so much, that we cannot communicate through words.
That has always been my mission as an artist.
I cannot stop creating until it happens. until i can hold before myself that piece of work that i will be frightened to show anyone else because it reveals all that i am. I wonder if that day will ever come.
I think most artists die never accomplishing that mission.
What is it that i MUST depict?
it’s got to be God.
That’s the only word i can imagine it would be if i could put it into words. God.
i want the good to happen.
