Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

So this is strange….

This week was not so good, other than being taken out by my gentleman to eat at J. Alexander’s.
I have not had much sleep, and for my 8am photography class, i have slept in both days, and come to class very late. I have not finished my assignment which is due next week. I have not finished my printmaking assignment due monday, i have a LOT of studying to do for French, which i have been abusively neglecting. I have NO money. My job at Starbucks SUCKS and they arent scheduling me because im a full time student and can only work 12 hours a week. BUT i MUST work 12 hours a week…. I NEED to pay bills. Im the Treasurer of The Fine Arts Association and we’re planning a large-scale art/fashion/design show, and i have to write the ENORMOUS budget..which we’re trying to have ready in half the amount of time it took to plan this event last year. I’m happily getting help from Mooogan with the budget. But im stressed out because the executive members of the FAA, including myself, are all brand new this year, and we might as well stick out heads in the ground because our rear ends are more useful to everyone than our knowledge of how everything is run. And more trivially: i have been invited to go to Florida for spring break, which would be absolutely AMAZING because i’ve never been anywhere for spring break. I’m 21. And i love the SUN. BUT, i dont have money. i dont have a credit card, but looking into getting one…its about dang time you know. And i want a new bathing suit.

I went to the FAA meeting really tired and stressed. Later Allen messaged me asking me if anything was wrong…talked to me about possible places i could find another job…. the thing that struck me as so strange was, how he could tell i was stressed, and how concerned he seemed to be about it.

Furthermore, I recieved a message from my exboyfriend asking me if everything was alright and if i needed to talk.

I mean, would no one find this all vrey strange?
I know my troubles are insignificant in the grand scheme of life…. but maybe theres something else of which i’m unaware. I’m just slightly puzzled.

However, i have finalllly discovered the true relief of working out. I’ve always tried to work out, keep in shape, but always reluctantly. Within this past month, it’s REALLY helped me feel a lot less stressed. And so much better. Plus, having a potential motivation of going to Florida… that keeps me at it.

TODAY, i got up and went downstair to Fifth Third to deposit 2 crummy checks from Starbucks. The teller saw that i worked there and said something to me about it, and i mumbled something about crappy hours and needing another job.
“You wanna work at the bank?”

!!!

So i guess this guy was the Manager. He gave me his card and told me to send in a resume.

Did it.

Strange coincidences? i mean, am i going a little crazy here?

welp. love to stay and chat, but i need to take a shower, and go to the bar with my gentleman.

He makes me feel like gold.

That’s a good feeling. if you didn’t know.

No, i’m not going to let it be that easy. There are going to be more than II parts to THE TRUTH. NO DICE.

K, so I’m pretty tired, and really shouldnt be writing with a drowzy mind, or should i? But, i feel the need to not skip a day on this issue.

WHAT I WANT.

Well. I’ll tell you what i used to think i wanted. That is where we MUST begin as a matter of fact.
I used to want to be a gymnast.
I used to want to be a cheerleader.
I used to want to be famous.
I used to want to be an actress.
I used to want to be that one person who stands out, who’s DONE something good.
I used to want to never ever be like my parents.
I used to want to not be married. Not have kids.
I used to want to have an awesome career. on top. Important. Get to dress nice.
I used to want to be a great artist.

….most currently, i used to want to stay up and write this. but right now, im falling asleep. I’ll finish tomorrow. just ignore what i’ve got, spelling errors and all.

I have been meaning to write this for so long. SO long. It has been in the back of my mind, asked by my parents, teachers, family, even society for all of my life and i’ve never written it down. JEEZ. What’s the deal?
I’ll tell you whats the deal.
I constantly find myself worrying over, as Betsy calls it, “worldly things that cannot be solved” and then go on a tangent writing about them. OH THEY CAN BE SOLVED. though maybe only for me personally. some day.
BUT.
My point is that i am very often distracting myself. HOWEVER, maybe i can only solve these distractions by focusing on the thing that i should be focused on at this point in my life.
Let’s be REALLY, directly, out-on-the-table selfish about this next entry, shall we? yes okay.
Its a simple enough question.
but not very many people ask it to themselves, much less, put any thought into it.
I have been thinking about it exclusively, almost obsessively, for about the last …ehh…year. maybe? Yeah, oh no wait. year and a half about.
I have been thinking this question to myself and going over my answer with very careful thought for the past year and a half.

I should have been thinking about it for all of my life. Cause this is my life.

QUESTION:

What do you want?

Simple enough right? But the funny thing is, i never knew what i really wanted. to do. to be. to have. I just always knew what i like. Thats an easy question to answer.

The other funny thing is, that i am aware, i still may not completely know what i want. THOUGH, i believe i’ve reached a point where i have a dang good idea. And even then, i can say, that what i want this day may not be what i want tomorrow. HOWEVER, the experiences ive faced during my life so far have shaped wants that i now know to be concrete.

ask yourself that question please. be honest. be not aware of society. be not aware of this world.
What do YOU want?

okay so im not quite done with that last entry.
im gonna spout:

i need to read something good.
some good poetry
shakespeare.
a good story.
something that knows how i feel.
or something that has pieces of what i feel.
i can put them together.
ive been trying to do that since … man. since i learned to draw i guess.

I can only ever find what i cant explain in those words and sounds and paintings written, sung, painted by the ones who must have felt it too.

there are a lot of people out there who are pretending.
to be happy.
to be healthy.
to love.
to be loved.
mistakes.
why? why pretend?
cause it’s easy.

it’s hard to think and to say, “No. this isnt going to work whether i want it to or not. And i need to end it.”

and time. TIME!
WHY does time torture us???

why would you settle?
Why would you suppress an urgent need to stand up, run across the room and tell him he’s wonderful and beautiful and you dont ever want him to go away from you?

Cause you might be hurt.
And you have a nagging fear that he will go away from you even when he says he promises he wont.

i just want everything out on the table. I just want to see it all. make sure it’s all there.
and i dont want to have patience.
i dont want to wait.

things dont happen like in the movies.
but what is similar in life to movies is the fact that circumstances are possible that seem impossible.

i have spent a thousand days and nights in bed today.
a hundred days and nights in the shower earlier this afternoon.
To me, just today, i wondered if each minute was a day, would we cut out all of that bull crap each of us say and do constantly, unnecessarily, all the time?

just say it.

i’ll tell you why we write, sing, draw.
we, all of us are looking for that ONE piece that encompasses that tiny shard of light that feels so much, that we cannot communicate through words.

That has always been my mission as an artist.
I cannot stop creating until it happens. until i can hold before myself that piece of work that i will be frightened to show anyone else because it reveals all that i am. I wonder if that day will ever come.
I think most artists die never accomplishing that mission.

What is it that i MUST depict?
it’s got to be God.
That’s the only word i can imagine it would be if i could put it into words. God.

i want the good to happen.

It doesnt help out the situation. 
jeez.  Just looking back and reading my entries, its like uuuuup then doooown. and then back up, and then we go back down. 
When will it just stay put? why do i doubt?  look, this one’s down a little… based off of my observations from my past entries, the next one or so will most likely be…..up.  whoopee.
Every time, i get down, theres something else, a new element, that brings me back up.  and that new element, i always end up doubting it.  and so then i get down again. 

vicious cycle.

Patience my love.

 

 

 

 

 

je veux juste te connaître

uh oh.

Okay.  I’m gonna jump in. 
I’m not going to hold my nose either.  
DANG. 
It is so hard not to hold my nose after i’ve been doing it for so long.
I’m just SO afraid of getting water shoved up into my brain. 
Because I know what that feels like. 
Not pleasant. 
ever.

But he was waiting for me outside of his car. 

“DONT HOLD YOUR NOSE!
…andkeepyoureyesopen.”

okay. 

Jack, baby, darling, you’re gonna have to help me. be me.