Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

that is why. you CANNOT depend on any single human being for happiness. Because we are human. To be human is to err? We will let you down. we will disappoint you. we promise we won’t. and sometimes we really mean it. But we cant help ourselves. We’ll give you our word today, but tomorrow, a mind will change and that word given, dissolves. We’re sorry, we really are. We hate ourselves sometimes.

You know, for as little as i know about how to play music, and for as little as i know about making it, i think i have a very good idea of why one does. It’s like making art work, or writing. Something you cant SAY. there is a very fine stream of pure true emotion, feeling, heartache that flows out from the person creating this art. It’s indulging almost. But its also a more —lots of sirens going down the street at this moment. 3:15am god i hope its not—- It’s more of a definite and honest way of describing a happiness, an excitement, a sorrow, a loss. Dancing and laughing is good. Sleeping and crying work. being sick, sure.  But theres something deeper than these simple reactions. And making art, playing a musical instrument tells what exactly that thing is. Because no one can say it. But if you’re the one making, writing, playing, you sure hear it see it feel it.
And so i was sitting this night playing my little guitar i bought for my 18th birthday and i stopped.  It occurred to me that all these years, i was so distracted with reading the music and then trying to make it sound right without just letting it come out.  Just like with writing, or making a drawing.  Feel it and there it is.  So i just closed my eyes… yeah i know.  now this is starting to sound like some cheesy television show moment…. but i just closed them, and there it was. I wasnt thinking, and i felt what i know everyone else feels when they REALLY play…really draw…really write.  It was a different form of expression than im used to. but it was wonderful and the walls of my 9 day old room are now christened with a little bit of home. 

So whats worth losing a great friend over? (hanging preposition, i know, dont care)