Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

or do, if you want. I’ll make sure i get it back.

that is why. you CANNOT depend on any single human being for happiness. Because we are human. To be human is to err? We will let you down. we will disappoint you. we promise we won’t. and sometimes we really mean it. But we cant help ourselves. We’ll give you our word today, but tomorrow, a mind will change and that word given, dissolves. We’re sorry, we really are. We hate ourselves sometimes.

You know, for as little as i know about how to play music, and for as little as i know about making it, i think i have a very good idea of why one does. It’s like making art work, or writing. Something you cant SAY. there is a very fine stream of pure true emotion, feeling, heartache that flows out from the person creating this art. It’s indulging almost. But its also a more —lots of sirens going down the street at this moment. 3:15am god i hope its not—- It’s more of a definite and honest way of describing a happiness, an excitement, a sorrow, a loss. Dancing and laughing is good. Sleeping and crying work. being sick, sure.  But theres something deeper than these simple reactions. And making art, playing a musical instrument tells what exactly that thing is. Because no one can say it. But if you’re the one making, writing, playing, you sure hear it see it feel it.
And so i was sitting this night playing my little guitar i bought for my 18th birthday and i stopped.  It occurred to me that all these years, i was so distracted with reading the music and then trying to make it sound right without just letting it come out.  Just like with writing, or making a drawing.  Feel it and there it is.  So i just closed my eyes… yeah i know.  now this is starting to sound like some cheesy television show moment…. but i just closed them, and there it was. I wasnt thinking, and i felt what i know everyone else feels when they REALLY play…really draw…really write.  It was a different form of expression than im used to. but it was wonderful and the walls of my 9 day old room are now christened with a little bit of home. 

So whats worth losing a great friend over? (hanging preposition, i know, dont care)

With perfect honesty, i have no hope (in what, you might ask?  Make something up, anything, stars).  It’s not bad actually.  It will be helpful. I have always told myself to never have any.  But who can’t help but believe in some sort of a tiny shard? Digressing again, i believe.  you gotta go down (or left or right or backwards) sometimes to go up/forward.  so im gonna do my nails or something.  Until my next out of the blue epiphany, adieu.

This is a good time.

Just lately. JUST lately here, i have made a semi formal decision. Decision. I can’t be around people who aren’t passionate about life. You bring me down. We can’t handle that.

Why wouldnt you be passionate about life? How can someone be just so blaaah, boring, nothing?
I mean i thought there was something, at least ONE thing, that a person is passionate about.
How can a person be ..oh i dont know… 25 years old and not have any direction in life yet? How can a person let themselves come to not considering their future? Why dont people care? It’s frustrating to me. I talk to these people. They carry a generally flaky conversation. “sup. what r u doin? you go out last night?” I want to say, “just where are you taking this conversation? What do you want with me?” But i don’t do it. just play along. boring boring boring. Say something from yourself. Not by rote, as if you’re reading from a teleprompter.

im going to go eat dinner right now.

You know, I’m not that kind of girl.  I can’t be that kind of girl. I know too much.  If you want that kind of girl, date a blonde.  ;)   kidding, to a degree.

I feel like reposting something i wrote a while back.  I came upon it today and thought, I need to be reminded of this daily.  I will assume most girls do as well.  So here we are:

 

ALL girls. all girls, dream of their prince charming.  They do.  DO NOT DENY IT.  Whether or not that prince charming really is a prince, it does not matter.  In each girl’s eye, they have their prince charming set at heart.  I think it is an inborn thing that girls just have,  God just gave us.  We all wish to one day be swept off of our feet by HIM.  And our hearts ache for it.  They do.  We may deny it at times.  But, it is there.  Very much. 
And sometimes, we find ourselves rather, being dragged through the dirt instead of swept off our feet.  But because of this intense dream of being such (swept by Prince Charm.) I believe that many girls give in too easy too quickly for the wrong fellow, the one who should be taken out onto the street and shot.  

GIRLS. IF YOU ARE A GIRL AND YOU ARE READING MY STUPID WRITINGS, read this most carefully and apply it honestly to your life:

Consider Mr. Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility:
     When Miss Marrianne was ill, he paced around the room waiting -WAITING- for her, wanting to do anything to help.  He rode through the night to her mother.  He watched her heart be broken (by a man who should have been brought out onto the street and shot).  He bought her a piano forte because he knew she liked to play and sing, but could not afford one in her house.  He married her.  He made her happy.  He was only happy if she was happy. 

Now.  I know we are all young.  I know boys are dense and all they want to do at our age is play video games and drink and do other boyish recreation.  BUT.  There comes a point in life where none of these things should be priority any more.  There comes a point when A MAN will outgrow these things.  There will come a point when that MAN realizes that the only person he wants to see for the rest of his life is you.  He would give all that crap away for you. 

This is what we all wish for.  We know this.

Does he respect you?  Think about that.  HOW does he treat you? 
and how do you treat him?  Do you treat him like a prince? 

I mean really.  Is he smitten with you?  if he isnt, GET RID OF IT. 
Does he talk to you?  Does he tell you how he feels, what’s on his mind?  no?  I WONDER WHY!!! 
I’ll tell you why:
because he’s not thinking.
and you know what that means: You don’t mean enough to him.
And ill tell you what THAT means: HE DOESNT DESERVE YOU.

God, if he really cares for you, he will leave no doubt in your mind that YOU are his world.  He will make certain you are happy. 

WASTE NOT TIME BEING WORRIED OR FRUSTRATED OVER A BOY.  if you find you are:  He’s probably not doing the same.  And that’s the honest truth.  Because if you have to worry about it, he doesnt care and he’s given you reason to.  …which means: He doesn’t really care.

Here’s my ‘hope’:  all good, sensible girls will get their prince charming,  IF they wait.  If they are patient.  IF they open their eyes. 

So. truck on.  Be happy with yourself.  Improve yourself. (not just your image).  And Look.  He is waiting for you.  You may be surprised to find who he is.   

 

“whatever his past actions, whatever his present course, you can be certain that he did love you”
“yes, but not enough. Not enough.”

and that, is the key.