Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

When Carolyn is disappointed by something -most cases, someone-

Jack comes out and tends to get rip-roaring drunk.

Carolus does not deserve to be disappointed.  She’s a princess.

-Jack.

No, no…nothing racial, let me assure you.  Here’s the story:

 

I spent all day yesterday doing *wedding* things… 

Firstly, Kate and I went with Jess (we’re her bridesmaids) to do the first fitting for her wedding next summer.  David’s Bridal things blah blah blah..
Jess and her mom were saying how awful a black wedding would be…we were talking about the wedding party’s color.  Jess’s colors are going to be *piiiinks* and yellows.  Nice. summery. 
But I had never known a bride to choose Black for the color of the brides maids dresses…I wondered to myself how it would look.  I couldn’t really decide if black dresses would look more like a funeral ceremony rather than a wedding, or if it would look classy and elegant.  Well, I found out MUCH sooner than I would ever have anticipated…

Coincidentally, Katie and I were to attend a wedding later that day for a friend of the family.  Dom’s older brother, Andy.
FIRST OFF: let me say this….IF I ever find my best friend, my partner in crime, my one, I most certainly know where the ceremony’s goin down.  Saint Peter In Chains Cathedral, Cincinnati.  GORGEOUS.  It is HUGE, but so magnificent.  And SECOND: It’s going to be a full blown Catholic wedding. 
Andy and Kristen’s wedding was a Catholic one.  I’ve been to the ‘other’ kind of weddings (two just this summer…maybe another one this next week….)  and I’m sorry, but they SUCK.  I mean, you stand up there for 15 minutes max and say your stuff to one another and people clap for you.  COMEON!  Who wants that?  I want to receive The Eucharist for the first time together with my one.  I want to have a Mass for us with all my family and friends.  Plus, if I’m spending all that money on a beautiful dress, I am going to stand up there for more than 10 minutes.  THE END.
And THIRDLY:  Andy and Kristen chose Black trimmed with a very light pink for the wedding party’s dresses and Tuxes.  IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.  This was the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to.  The Black looked so elegant and classy.  I felt no ‘funeral’ vibe whatsoever.  The flowers were so pretty…and of course, Kristen was stunning!
Most of all…If i ever am so fortunate as to have a wedding, my only wish is for it to be full of happiness.  le sigh.

 

Moral of the story, Black can work.
 

Frightening, spontaneity. Exhilarating.

What is this all? Is this a test?  I mean really….What am I supposed to be doing?  Is there a choice that needs to be made?  Where are all of these things coming from?  It’s like all of the sudden, the lack thereof these occurences in my life thus far has caught up to this month…and UH OH, here’s Ms. Nervous Wreck.  HELLO STOMACH ISSUES! ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOUR UGLY FACE AGAIN.  I don’t favor that at all.  I, Jack, CAROLYN, do not become nervous…or not obviously so, at least…it is not allowed.

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such is direct indirectness

 

                                               people are dum                     (b).  

                                         

Oh the frustration with them.  It’s all in vain though, isn’t it?  So, no use losing sleep over it.

 

 

 

                                          But, I love art.  I got art.  So it’s all graaaavy.

Physical, visual art gets the frustration out.  Do it. See it. move on.
Audible art explains it, with beautiful grace.  or ugly clangs and clatters.  Hear it. feel it.

Without these two, I would die, flat out.  My head would just roll off and that would be the end of me.

Old age is sad.  Actually, it’s devastating.  Perhaps, not as devastating to experience as to witness.  Witnessing it is horrifying to me.  I think it horrifies me so because it’s visual proof that life is going to end….

Seeing an old man, chained to his respirator, shuffling into a restaurant with his aged wife, is to me a davastating, but wonderful site. 
Devastating, because I SEE this old crumpled man, but he, HE doesn’t see this old man.  He’s still living in his 20’s.  The age he met the woman he’s with. 
Wonderful, because he’s with his wife.  Proof that there are men who seek that one girl.  Wonderful because he still can make her laugh. 

It frightens me because the body decays but the spirit only grows.  The spirit, stops never. 

nursing homes. Don’t do em. Nope. Did them once for my gma. Never again…  I see these old creatures, shuffling, some delirious, some staring not moving.  I see them, their memories.  The days they took for granted.  Those boring days.  Those nothing days.  They’ll tell you about them.  If you sit, these old people whom you could never believe to have once been handsome or pretty, will talk to you and tell them any and every memory that struggles to mind. 
Why does this make me so very sad?

I don’t know what upsets me, why, how…no idea.  
But even now, movies. Movies that centralize old people’s character upset me as much or even more than your typical ‘tear-jerker’ movie.  There’s something about an old person who has lived their life, struggled, loved, succeeded, failed, lost, that hits me more than most other things. 
Maybe perhaps it’s a fear that I will end up alone and unhappy…as some old people seem.  Or perhaps it is that my body is going to decay and i’m going to be stuck with it when it doesn’t work any more, but my mind, as vivid as ever (or that may go too, you never know).   I don’t want to be put in a ‘home’.   I want to die young.  It’s a very selfish thought, yes.  That is very selfish.  But, I bet everyone thinks this way or has had this thought….no one wants to be old and lonely.  No one wants to see every one of thier loved ones go before them. No one does.

 

But i’ll tell you what, when people reach a certain age, say 65-70? I dunno, 75?  They SHOULD be made to retake the driver’s license test.  Cause old people and cars…..do NOT mix at all.  The end.