ummm…..gettin a little antsy here.
I am going to go to the Krohn Conservatory to skeetch the plants. The Sam, you’re comin babayyy. or else.
I want to go to the Zoo as well. Haven’t been since my knidergarden trip in ‘89. ….’89? really??? or was it ‘90? even then, DANG. Long time brotha.
and while we’re at it….I want to go to hawaii, the bahamas, the Caribbean……St. Lucia.
I want i want i want I WANT.
well, i do.
Here is what I don’t understand.
Why do people say to themselves, “I have pain, therefore, I’ll take a pill and I’ll be better”?
Example: Soandso is depressed. Soandso has no friends. Soandso feels lonely and like no one cares about him/her. Soandso can’t find a job and has no money. Soandso feels depressed because he/she feels fat.
Soandso goes to a doctor/psychiatrist. The ‘doctor’ says, “here is this medicine. It will make you feel better.”
So, Soandso goes home, takes the medication, and yes, feels much better. But what happens when this medication wears off, runs out? That same depression creeps back, the thoughts of loneliness come back, a self-loathing re-enters the mind. Soandso gets a headache. A headache so bad, he/she goes back to his/her ‘doctor’ and says, “give me something! It the pain is unbearable!”
The ‘doctor’ says, “here, take this medicine AND this medicine. It will make you feel much better.”
Not a worry in the world happens because of his/her wonderful medication. But certain circumstances happen within his/her family/friends, and someone he/she cares about is injured, falls ill, dies….or he/she loses her job, fails a class if he/she may still be in school…..Soandso is suddenly haunted with a newer form of depression that covers the old. “Let’s take an extra one just today, I just feel too horrible, plus i have a headache,” he/she says to him/herself. And as luck would have it, he/she does, in fact, feel much better.
But Soandso must go back to his/her doctor.
Doctor was indeed correct. Soandso, went home, took his/her prescribed medicines, and felt better in no time at all.
SNOWBALL EFFECT.
All in good time, Soandso’s body will find itself dependant upon these perfectly legal drugs. When not souped up on them, Soandso’s body will withdraw. Soandso will feel migraines. Horrible muscle aches. Depression worse than that he/she experiences each time before.
What you will find with a ‘patient’ like this is that one day, his/her mother or father, son or daughter or friend will walk into the room to see Soandso laying on the couch, sprawled, head back, mouth open, drooling, eyes rolling.
These prescriptions only make you feel better. These pain medications. They don’t mend you. They don’t fix you.
……
Let’s see what could have happened if Soandso had faced the truth before going to a doctor:
“I am depressed, ” Soandso said.
INSTEAD of going to a psychiatrist, Soandso could have honestly examined his/herself:
But life is so HARD! I can’t do this….i can’t do that……but…but…but but but but BUT”
YES. LIFE. IT’S HARD.
I’ll tell you why.
Get over yourself. DO IT. RIGHT NOW.
Yes, there are very difficult times in your life. But you must realize, there are very difficult times in EVERYONE’S LIFE. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.
The number one thing you should absolutely not do is compare your struggles to another. That, is a way to rationalize your laziness.
Jeez. And when I am talking about this, I’m not speaking on this specific scenario either. I am speaking on everything in general, even to those who think they don’t have a problem in the world. Why do you get angry when you get cut off on the highway? Because you like having a lane all to yourself. Why??
Human beings, amazing creatures. yes we are. But we confuse things, each other, ourselves. We dont know how to read, how to communicate, how to think. WHY are people satisfied with surface information? Why do people rationalize for themselves? Why can’t these amazing creatures see the truth of their actions, their words, their thoughts?
Why does it seem people are more satisfied living in their own little bubble of self-satisfaction and indulgence rather than see the truth for what it really is?
Why can a person not say to him/herself, “I have pain…I wonder why?” And then honestly sit down and figure out why there is pain?
So, Soandso goes home, takes the medication, and yes, feels so much better… Infact, Soandso feels so much better, he/she takes it upon him/herself to take “two a day” instead of the prescribed “one a day”.
“You poor thing! You need to take life easier than this, worrying over everything so horribly!”
“Doctor, no one understands how i feel. The pain I suffer. I care so much about everyone, and all they do these days is tell me I have problems and that I’m crazy. I think I need a little more medication this time, my headaches get worse every time they come.”
“Yes, if you are feeling pain, you should take this, and this, and I’ll give you a double amount of this one. You should be feeling better in no time.”
And because of this pain Soandso suffers, the doctor, continues to oblige him/her by issuing more and more prescriptions. If there is pain, no doctor has the right to deny a patient of the proper medication.
Before he/she knows it, Soandso opens up his/her medicine cabinet, and behold, 20 different prescription medicines are staring Soandso in the face. The ridiculous amount of drugs sitting in his/her cabinet all just for him/her, goes unnoticed, unrecognized to the ‘patient’. They “fix” him/her. What’s wrong with that?
Soandso’s name will be called out. No response will come.
Soandso’s name will be screamed out. No response will come.
If the paramedics come in time, Soandso will be revived. Drugs that counter react with the drugs that were already in his/her body will be injected.
Soandso will deny that there is a problem with drug abuse. “Because there isn’t! I have pain! I need these for the pain!”
He/she will, in fact be shaken by the incident nonetheless, and apologize to friends and family, saying “I’m so sorry for all the problems I’ve caused all of you!”
Soandso goes home swearing to friends, family, even to him/herself that nothing like that will happen again. But Soandso is depressed. He/she needs something to make it all go away. So, “doctor” gives a prescription.
“WHY do i feel depressed?
Why do i not have any friends?
Why am I lonely?
Why am I fat?
Why do I not have a job?
When do I go to bed?
Do I make any attempt to contact friends? And when I am around my friends, am I nice? Am I pleasant? Am I honest to them? Do I care about them?
You know what, now that I think about it, I’ve never once asked my friend how their day was….I’ve never sat and listened to my friend complain about their problems….”but they’re just perfect and dont have problems! they’re not fat like me!”
WELL, why am I fat? What do I eat? When do I eat? Do I exercise? (”But my knees are bad! My back hurts!”)
I need a job to have money so I can buy healthy food, cause it’s more expensive….but no one will hire me! And I don’t want to work at a grocery store with those greasy people!!
Do I look greasy? Am I nice? Would I hire myself? Why would I hire myself? What reason do I have to be hired? Am I a hard worker? Do I show any signs of laziness….?
Why does it look like everyone else can handle it but you?
Some people, though they have plenty other shortcomings we assure you, DO NOT WALLOW IN THEIR OWN SELF PITY WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR GOALS IN LIFE.
EXAMINE YOURSELF.
Ask yourself questions. Research the answers. The best question I have found to ask myself is WHY. Often times I find answers within myself that I do not like. BUT. That is good! Realizing the truth behind your motivations is a great thing, i find.
Why do you consistently find yourself dating girls who are 16 years old? Because everyone my age is realizing there is more
to life than having sex and going shopping. Women become smart and more mature the older
they get. I don’t want the responsibility of having to think further than the surface of things.
I just want to be worshipped, basically.
Why won’t I break up with this man who beats me? Because, I love him? Why do I love him? …..I don’t really, do I?
Why do I still have sex with this person even though I don’t love them? Because I like having a body next to mine.
I like to feel good. I like being told I’m pretty or handsome. I like being liked.
Why did I just say that?
Why am I impatient?
Why do I feel jealous?
Why don’t I care?
Why do I believe this or that?
Why do I believe in this religion?
Telling yourself the truth, the horrible and most times, ugly truth, and FACING IT, FIGHTING THE PROBLEM, AND CONQUORING IT WITHOUT RATIONALIZING FOR YOURSELF WITH WEAK REASONS to give up, is the only way to get through LIFE. Because it is SO HARD.
You have to do it for yourself. Only yourself. Because I know, it’s a nice thought to think there’s someone to succeed for. There is only God, if you so choose to believe in Him.
Do not work out and lose weight so that you might get back that girl. Because, you may get her back, for a few good shags, but not her love, no indeed, you will not get that. Lose it knowing that if you dont, you’re going to have a heart attack and die sooner or later. Lose it for yourself. Succeed for yourself. In this sense, be selfish.
Go to school if for no other motivation than that you never will meet the man of your dreams with all the money in the world to let you stay at home all day getting manicures and drinking martinis. Believe that he’s not coming. You are alone. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Everyone is alone.
It’s a pessimistic way of thinking, yes, to a degree. All I’m trying to do is make a point. Open up eyes.
There are people, relatives, friends I see whom I wish, I WISH were told these things earlier in their lives. It absolutely kills me to see someone I love in such a world of misery all due to his or her own making. It kills me.
And again I have to say, I am no image of perfection. Many of these things, and many more different things, i have issues with…I KNOW i have many shortcomings. We, everyone does. I write this for myself as well as just out of pure anger and frustration and sadness.
Amazing creatures, the human.
For some wonderful reason, I am loving this hurricane weather we’re having. This week of greyness has proved glorious. Nothing in particular, just the weather. The rain. It rained the good rain. The good, straight rain that is heavy and loud, soft and silent, and OH SO humid. No hope for straightening hair like mine.
ORANGUTAN.
In this weather, I look out at the vibrant green trees heavy under the saturated air contrasting the dark grey sky, the sun gone …and an orangutang in a rain forest is what i want to be. Just sitting there. pulling apart a leaf, poking a stick at the ground, eating an ant…in the hot rain.
Instead, I’m serving coffee to sniveling people who shove their money at me through the window as if the rain will scorch their arms. OFF WITH YOU!
Seriously, this civilian life won’t do well for me forever. I need to have a place i can go where it is so hot, the hut i stay in won’t have airtight windows and instead, they are open all day and night. Only a ceiling fan will do. I wouldnt be able to straighten my hair, it would fro to the max. I’d barely be able to wear clothes, for sweating. And the heat would be lazy and restful. All i would do each day is art. Sketch the wild life around me. And believe me, wild the life would be. And when it rains, I could go out and just stand in it. Just stand. I could sit on my porch and drink my tea or wine, eat my dinner, watch it rain.
Have you ever been in a forest while it rains? Wonderful. Beautiful. Everything has a heightened contrast. The darks look darker, the colors, richer. The air: almost suffocating. feels like it’s waiting for something. something to happen. something to break the rhythm of the rain. that must really be why there’s thunder.
woah. Am i really serious? yeah….daym. Do I sound like some poor dreamy naturefreak freelance fine artist who smokes pot all day or what? hah. I seriously hope DAAP doesnt turn me that ‘finely’ to an artist or else i won’t amount to any kind of thing that can even afford a trashcan, much less a hut, in an exotic place. Just alcohol perhaps every now and again will do. I am afterall, in the DAAP Drives Me to Drink club. thanks.
Anyway, moving on…
AAAAAaas I was going to say before i whisked myself away into a dreamy state: Charlie and The Chocolate Factory was so awesome. And as i keep saying; it is a trip. Tim Burton definately does his job. It was just so insane. I love it. You should go see it.
And I bought The Half-Blood Prince today. I’ve only been able to reach chapter 6 and already SO much has happened. Sirius had better come back, i’ll tell you that right now. Maybe not in this book, but he had better sometime!
So yeah, it’s 10:30, Saturday night, and I’m going to go read on. I don’t care. I don’t like to go out much. All that hustle and bustle leaves no room to think clearly. Too many yippies.
3 weeks and 2 days to the Coldplay concert.
2 months till I move into my very first apartment.
3 months and 20 days till I turn 21.
That is all.
Jeez. Yes indeed. Today. Today was a day. It was one of those days that some people who don’t look beyond the surface of it would deem it a really sucky day. HOWever, it was not really so. Let’s do the surface view of it shall we?
Today: I woke up early but was tired still. So i laid in bed all day until work time. I ate ice cream and felt fat. I went to work and worried myself over stupid things and was in a bad mood. then i couldnt eat. so i was depressed that all id eaten was nasty ice cream. i worked til 8 and hurt my ankle really bad by hitting it REALLY hard on the refridgerator (now its swollen and aching). came home. went to the old LHS track, ran a little over a mile, came home, watched Sense and Sensibility, and now here i am to give you my account of the day.
WHAT A LOSER you might say.
I say not so.
Because here’s what really happened today:
Woke up early. Decided to chill to Incubus and have more dreams. I did. Yes, i ate ice cream. And yes, I felt gross about it. Went to work. Yes, I worried myself over things that only girls do. All girls do. (boys really are so dumb and simple minded, i mean honestly.) And it makes you ill. And no, i didnt eat. And then -whilst serving coffee and frappes and lattes- I moved into a self loathing about my person and my physical image. I was just really going insane for a few moments when my mind was like “UMM HELLO MCFLY! YOU NEED TO BE CONTINUING ON YOUR SKETCHES. YOU, SISTER, HAD BETTER RUN AFTER WORK”
So i resloved that the neglect of the two is why i was feeling so disgusting.
And wouldnt you know it….one of my old friend’s mother came into Kidd, and as i was making her drink, she tells me she thinks im one of the most beautiful people she’s ever seen. That lady will never know how much that really meant to me. All i could say was thank you and smile. I really wanted to hug her. She said, ‘i’m sure you hear that all the time.’ and i wanted to say, no, i never do. It’s not like i deserve it, because i don’t. I can think of many people far more beautiful than me -my cousin stephanie, for instance-
But when she told me that, i heard something more than the words that came out of her mouth. This person admires me. ME. I am disgusting. I am a nutcase. I am selfish. I am mean to people (mother, father) who don’t deserve it. I don’t give a freak if we’re out of tomato soup, because i don’t feel like pouring it in a bowl for you. I ….i don’t know anything. HOW can I be admired? But by that one person, I am. And this made me realize that, I am not thankful enough for what i have and for who i am. For as much as i make myself depressed with things and disgusted with myself, everyone else does too; probably worse than I, and with more of a reason.
So i decided to cheer the hell up and smile. Even when I wanted to scream at those chitchatty ladies who WOULDN’T leave when we closed at 8, I smiled and bade them a good night.
I went home. My mother came with me to LHS track and I did run a mile or so. It felt great. I came home. Watched Sense and Sensibility. (Jane Austin)
From this movie and my own thoughts and experiences, I have gathered a few conclusions about people (women, mostly). -I know, movies are not life. HOWever, movies can oftentimes sufficiently surmise human actions and feelings to true to life events.
ALL girls. all girls, dream of their prince charming. They do. DO NOT DENY IT. Whether or not that prince charming really is a prince, it does not matter. In each girl’s eye, they have their prince charming set at heart. I think it is an inborn thing that girls just have, God just gave us. We all wish to one day be swept off of our feet by HIM. And our hearts ache for it. They do. We may deny it at times. But, it is there. Very much.
And sometimes, we find ourselves rather, being dragged through the dirt instead of swept off our feet. But because of this intense dream of being such (swept by Prince Charm.) I believe that many girls give in too easy too quickly for the wrong fellow, the one who should be taken out onto the street and shot.
GIRLS. IF YOU ARE A GIRL AND YOU ARE READING MY STUPID WRITINGS, read this most carefully and apply it honestly to your life:
Consider Mr. Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility:
When Miss Marrianne was ill, he paced around the room waiting -WAITING- for her, wanting to do anything to help. He rode through the night to her mother. He watched her heart be broken (by a man who should have been brought out onto the street and shot). He bought her a piano forte because he knew she liked to play and sing, but could not afford one in her house. He married her. He made her happy. He was only happy if she was happy.
Now. I know we are all young. I know boys are dense and all they want to do at our age is play video games and drink and do other stupid things. BUT. There comes a point in life where none of these things should be priority any more. There comes a point when A MAN will outgrow these things. There will come a point when that MAN realizes that the only person he wants to see for the rest of his life is you. He would give all that crap away for you.
This is what we all wish for. We know this.
Does he respect you? Think about that. HOW does he treat you?
and how do you treat him? Do you treat him like a prince?
I mean really. Is he smitten with you? if he isnt, GET RID OF IT.
Does he talk to you? Does he tell you how he feels, what’s on his mind? no? I WONDER WHY!!!
I’ll tell you why:
because he’s not thinking.
and you know what that means: You don’t mean enough to him.
And ill tell you what that means: HE DOESNT DESERVE YOU.
God, if he really cares for you, he will leave no doubt in your mind that YOU are his world. He will make certain you are happy.
WASTE NOT TIME BEING WORRIED OR FRUSTRATED OVER A BOY. if you find you are: He’s probably not doing the same. And that’s the honest truth. Because if you have to worry about it, he doesnt care and he’s given you reason to.
Here’s my ‘hope’: all good, sensible girls will get their prince charming, IF they wait. If they are patient. IF they open their eyes.
So. truck on. Be happy with yourself. Improve yourself. (not just your image). And Look. He is waiting for you. You may be surprised to find who he is.
“whatever his past actions, whatever his present course, you can be certain that he did love you”
“yes, but not enough. Not enough.”
and that, is the key.
This day. I created a plant. Today i created a flower, a weed….or maybe a rare tropical plant that is not weed, but not flower, and not tree.
Do they grow in a field?
Or do they grow sporadically and one must search far and wide to gaze upon their splendor?
Do they have medicinal purpose?
Are they magical?
or are they just pretty little things?
OR are they ugly?
i’ll tell you one thing: They are hairy.
or they look hairy.
Maybe they’re silky. they’re flowing. waving.
Ask me not of their color. I’ve not seen them in real life…yet.
BUT ANYWAY, I have got to go do a mile. I’ll get back to you on my wildlife creation.
I should be in bed. I have to work at a LUDICROUS hour in the morning. Not really.
but a few things need to be put to mind. put in writing.
First off, Let’s wait. Let’s wait for time. JUST for ONCE, let’s not hurry up and wish things would get going. I have a wonderful feeling that patience is a virtue (durhur) and it will not disappoint. I mean, it could…but probably not nearly as bad if i were impatient…because i know, we all know: not having patience will cause worse problems. And we dont want any of those. No thank you. SO, I shall finally act on that whole “i believe in time” thing. Believe in it please. We’re in no big hurry for life you know. Aye, it’s short. So let’s not wish it shorter.
Second up, I have GOT to draw more. I almost lost my marbles today. I think its a build-up of withdrawl from not letting my expressive-creative flow loose. Art I need you.
Thirdly, RUN GIRL. You, as much as you wish to not see it, are getting old. OLDE.
Seeing all those people at Kidd Coffee ordering a LARGE CARAMEL FRAPPE 1 to 2(sometimes 3!) times a day is DISGUSTING. Most of them are in denial. They think they need a LARGE to fill up that gigantic stomach. NO. YOU DO NOT EVER NEED TO BE FULL. Because full means at the breaking point, no room left. If you leave no room left in your stomach, it stretches. and the next time you NEED TO BE FULL it stretches some more. And it goes on and on like this until you’re the size of a rhinoceros. THE OLDER YOU GET, THE LONGER AND HARDER YOU HAVE TO WORK AT BEING HEALTHY. My days are numbered. One day, I am going to wake up and realize I need to work out after not having done so for three years. I’ll go to the gym and realize that what seemed SO easy to run only A mile when I was 20 years old, will be an overwhelming feat that I doubt I can accomplish. And it will probably take a week or two of persistant conditioning just to be able to reach a goal of running only ONE MILE in under 8 minutes. Sounds rediculous, I know. But IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. It will.
AND lastly, girl. Stop being so freaking selfish. Care a little bit more please. Thank you. Oh, and smile like you mean it. mean it.
hhhhh’ok. glad we got that out of the way. I’m going to bed. You should too.
ciao.
Luna Bella