Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

Looking back on this school year, I realized that I still like animal crackers. frosted.

But no, really… The changes I’ve gone through this year frighten me.   I feel like my mind/heart/soul/personality/whatever, inner being has gone through a puberty or a growth spurt greater than my body ever did.  A good friend told me that at this age I’m at right here, 20-25, are the years your “mind” goes through the most changing of ideas and thoughts of your entire life….. it’s frightening to me to think that even within this year I know my opinions of things and ideas and people have taken turns in every direction.  BAH! 

There’s  a blimp flying by my window.

DUDE.  I got to wear some purdy frikin schveet clothing articles Friday.  I guess you’d wanna say “model” the clothes is what I did.  Don’t like that word though, it comes with so many pre-concieved thoughts attached to it.  AAaaanyway, got to ‘model’ for 3 different fashion design majors, who by the way, ROCK.  Seriously, they designed and cranked out these clothes that were absoultely stunning and SO well crafted.  I kept thinking, their HANDS put all of this together!?!?

 I never realized how much of an exhausting activity it is though…my feet hurt from those pointy toed, HIGH heeled shoes…And dang me, you stand there long enough, you’ll begin to feel faint.  The best thing, was that these outfits I got to wear were the exact opposite of my character and the type of clothes I generally always wear (sweats.jeans.tshirts).  So I had all the fun. 

Lucky me got to model for my second outfit with 3 other guys…I’m talking STUDS here.  I walked into the room after putting on my outfit, to get my hairs and makeup done, and bam.  Three, 6′5 tall studs.  I dont even like to use the word ’stud’.  But for this, it’s the only thing I can think of to describe them.  Tall, dark (one blonde) and- dang me- handsome.  All of them.  I didn’t even realize I was going to be modeling with them at first, but then Lynne, my design major girly introduced us.  The entire collection was awesome.  It was based off of Interview With a Vampire.  So our eyes got painted with dark makeup and my hair was all messy.  ahh good times.

They were doing photo shoots for each collection and each individual outfit as well, which was SO FUN!  I am so excited to get the pictures back!  Lindsey and I both got asked to model for the Spring Fashion show, which we would both get paid 50-100$!!!  Is that not so awesome! 

This Saturday was super fun too.  I must say though….my neck is UBER sore from all the head-banging.  All sorts of hilarity.  All sorts.  I love the Daap peoples.  I never thought I’d say this from the way things went last year and the beginning of this year….but I don’t want to go ‘home’ this summer.  It doesn’t feel like it’s there anymore.

I would say, you call yourself crazy, you’re not.  Because you can recognize it, you’re not crazy.  So, if you really want to be, deny it.   

I was fatigued in every way possible and not aware of it.

Jack’s got his effects today.  We’re okay. fine. always always fine.  

Why.  WHY do I let myself get into things the way I do?  Why can’t I be careful? Because.  I hope too much.  DO NOT FORGET.  DO NOT DISMISS PREMONITIONS.  THEY ARE PREMONITIONS FOR A REASON DAMNIT!!!!!!!  ((there. i said it. done.)) DO NOT DISMISS THEM.  DO NOT FORGET WHAT YOU’VE GONE THROUGH TO BE HERE!

Time and time and time and TIME AND FREAKING TIME AGAIN have I dismissed a premonition, and thought, “ehh, I’m just thinking too much on it…” and time and time and TIME AND TIME AGAIN have I found myself saying, “I should have known.”  Just within these past few days I’ve been given information that did not surprise me -although it very much should have- because I had premised a thought long ago and simply dismissed it thinking I was just crazy.   NO MORE!  NONE!  I AM FINISHED.  Jeez.  Why do I slip up and hope?  I have GOT to stop it NOW. 

COME ON JACK!  That’s why you’re here!  Though I must say, good fellow, that was a pretty good job you just cracked there.  STAND UP!  SEE THAT SIGHT.  LOOK AT IT LOOKING AT YOU, laughing at you. 

On a slightly, but not so slightly different note:

No one should have to throw themself at a person. (take a step back and look at what you’re doing)  If you find yourself feeling like you are……. what?   what should you do?  I dont know….its a somewhat depressing discovery actually.  Throwing yourself at a person who may take/give attention to you for a moment, a few moments, for fun, when someone else isn’t throwing theirself at that person as well….its not worth the attention. Not worth it.  We all want it I know…  Click back a few journal entries and you can read my thoughts on all that crap….im not bothering going into it now, because I know.  I know.  ….Someone who will wait for you.  Time.  I believe in time.  Someone who will wait forever.  Just for you.

I got a paper to write.  Perhaps The Samurai will take a walk with me later tonight.  The Sam?  You wanna?

SO, came back Saturday night to “work” ….. .. ….I ended up getting sick and watching Chicken Run instead. 

SUNDAY however, was glorious.  I was planning on attending UC’s Lacrosse game because we were going to play Wright State (Nick is on thier team) Ryan, Phil and I were going to meet Steph, Nick and K8 for some good times.  

 But it got cancelled.

So instead, FIL, The Samurai and Jack went to eat Chinese food.  And instead of going back to DAAP to work on all the crap load of stuff we have to do, we drove to the Cemetery and modeled like Greek GODS and took all the pictures, and chased ducks.  That place is beautiful.  We need to definately go again.  A lot. 

Then we got locked inside the cemetery.

Aaaaand then we went to FIL’s FRAT HAUS and grilled all the burgers. 

Aaaaand then, we walked to the library, laid down infront of it and performed a ritual.

Aaaaaand then, I turned red.  Samurai too.

And NOW.  I have a TON of work to do.

Well, I was okay with things…..

I walked into Daap today only to find that our project, (the one I went on and on about in my previous entry, which would be yesterday) has been destroyed.  Torn to pieces.  goodbye.

I NOW, will allow myself to rant. (but with restraint, I have to get ready to go home soon)

WHO- WHAT KIND OF A PERSON, even more, WHAT KIND OF AN ARTIST would  DISRESPECT ANOTHER ARTIST BY DESTROYING THEIR ART WORK!?!?!?!?!?   Assuming the person who ruined our project is a Daap student.  It is an outrageous act, in my opinion, and extremely immature.   I mean, the person would have been better satisfied by waltzing up to each one of us and socking us each in the face.  Basically that’s what I feel has been done to me anyway…..They should have done it….then they could have enjoyed the satisfaction of watching our immediate reactions.  My nose has been bloodied by a fist which belongs to the body of a person I know not of at the moment……HOWEVER…..they underestimate who they’ve chosen to deal with…..I’m Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?

As my fellow Captain Hook would say, “Bad form, Peter.  Bad form.” 

TODAY:

I was involved in THE MOST embarrassing critique ever.  I just had to put my face in my hands and try not to listen to the bickering.  I really detest collaborations.  Always have.  And I have always managed to be put with the most difficult, or the most passive, or the least interested, or the most stubborn people…perhaps it’s me being the difficult one, however I know it’s not the case, seeing as how the conflict had nothing to do with my participation or share of work load…I always end up doing a lot of the work, or maybe a lot of the worrying…

What I’m going to take away from this is a further learning of patience, and knowing that I will be the rest of my life working with people I don’t like, and having to appease them in order to maintain a professinal environment. 

 As I told the Samurai; I believe it is a rare person, the professional.  I mean, you think you’re going to get out of college and work with some real professionals who won’t be jerks; who will try to be polite about things and peoples’ feelings and want to produce good work and genuinely want to work hard to get things done…….  it’s not going to happen…..these people, these lazy, rude, selfish people are going to be around even in the highest paying, most “professional” jobs.   You will be offended by them, they will make fun of you when they can, that “Jerk” is everywhere.  Hello World. 

The only thing I’m trying to do is not be one of them.  I want to work hard and get things done, and the right way.  I want to be considerate of other people, and listen to their ideas…It’s a hard thing to do when you think you’ve got a really good idea yourself….I don’t want to just listen and then throw them to the wind, rejecting the possibility of using someone else’s good idea.  I want to try and get along with the people I don’t like- those lazy, rude, selfish people….because guess what, I AM ONE OF THEM.  WE ALL ARE.  We are those people.  I’m just going to try and fight being one. 

This past year, I have been made aware of my big mouth, and that I do not always listen to what I say and what it may suggest to others, and that it may be offensive or hurt feelings.  What I’m not saying is that I’m going to roll over take crap from everyone and be a nice pushover…it’s just best sometimes, to not speak…i’ve learned to have TONS of patience with people….still learning….i’ve had to bite my tongue on many occasions.  It’s good for me though. 

Communication is a wonderfully interesting thing….Many times people see something the same way, but have a different fashion of communicating it to one another, and then, they cannot see that they have the same idea because they’ve frustrated eachother with their different use of word choice.  It fascinates me actually, watching people trying to explain themselves.  -…and enough of that.

And so, I feel confident that Fine Arts is for me….I have only to answer to myself….(for the most part)  –had I chosen to go into any of the design programs, unless you’ve clawed your way to the top, you’re always saying, “yes sir!” or “yes ma’am!” and doing EXACTLY what your superior wants.--….Only to consider my ideas and inspirations….And only within the field of Fine Arts, can I allow myself to be positively selfish with producing my work.  Because it’s mine.  Not yours.  THUS, I maintain, that the true artist is a selfish being.  Don’t date us, we’re baaaaaaaaad news.   But I’m trying to learn to play nicely.

               UM.  I love jam bands.  JAMMIN! 

I love the color green. 

I love to sing harmony. 

I love vanilla. 

Coconut.

Reading.

Tea.

Charcoal. 

Oil paints.

Good illustration board.

Roof tops. 

Letting music move me. 

Intuitiveness.

making marks.

Skiing. 

The violin.

Humidity.

Messy hair. 

Light.

Hills.

The ocean.

Europe.

Words.

Language.

Sandals.

Sleeping.

Waking up.

Thunderstorms. 

Wind.

Boats.  

Photographs.

Smiles.

Post-it notes. 

HOT showers.

Peppermint.

Cheese.

Chocolate.

Painted toenails.

Jewelry.

Silver.

Spontenaiety.

The letter J. 

John Singer Sargent’s work.

Caffeine. 

Fresh sheets.

Orange juice.

Curly hair. 

Dark hair.

Brown eyes. 

The Theatre. 

Opera. 

Honesty.

Loudness.

Lotions.

Long shorts. 

Polar Bears.

My bed.

Everything after a rain storm.

The air before a storm.

Sunsets.

Sunrises.

Little things.

Sweatpants.

Shoes.

Bread.

Running. 

Hugs.

Lillies.

Ink.

Dishes.

Calligraphy.

Knitting.

Baseball.

Cotton underwear.

Art suppiles. 

Road trips. 

Movies.

Skipping stairs.

Wine.

Star gazing.

Falling down.

Laughing.

Cuddling. 

Sketchbooks.

Sharpies.

Coke.

Massages.

Bags.

Palm trees.

Bumblebees.

Doggies.

Glass.

Shelves.

Perfume.

Rubber cement.

A good long talk.

Arms.

Swings.

Canoeing.

Mountains.

Dusk.

Love.

The One who gave me Love.

Does no one but you see?  Hey! The moon is chasing me…

     I hope someday I can move a person in such a way that inspires them as I have been inspired by others…let someone know, they’re not the only one, and that all shall be well.  If I get through to only one person in this world, by doing what i love, then that’s awesome.

AWWWW JEEZ.

  I’m a wino, yup.  White please. thank you.

One of the funniest things Allen said to me on the Chi trip was, “CAROLYN!  You’re brilliant!  What happened to you!?”  Of course you have to take into consideration that he’d been drinking all evening and within the hour he’d been talking to all of us, he drank an entire bottle of wine to himself.  He also moved on to talk with us about his own art work, “I’ve had better shits on the john, than I have produced good art work.”   …  That man is one of the most hilarious I’ve met.  awww jeez.

WELL….My trip to Chicago was fabulous.  wonderful.  I don’t know what it was…..but i got on the bus to leave Ohio Thursday morning in my usual stressed-out/depressed/withdrawn mood, and now, I can’t even remember why i felt that way.  There was something that caused a transition of my views over those few days, and wow.  Maybe it was getting to better know the people I go to school with.  Some good long talks.  Perhaps that was all it is.  I really like them all.  Jason, I think, helped me regain some sanity or perhaps some insanity….either way the trip was definately a wonderful experience at the most perfect time.  I am going to miss the view.