Remember O Most Gracious Virgin Mary

So….No one really ever knows.  There are just those who put on a more confidant face than others.  Beliefs over reason?  Reason over beliefs?  Now let’s think about that.   Really.  Does reason=beliefs?  To some, yes.  Others, no.  And to those who say no….I say perhaps their understanding of one or the other is lacking.  For those with beliefs; do the beliefs become reason because of the potential of extreme submersion into them?  Or is reason only based upon beliefs?  aha!  Do you put reason or beliefs first?  And to that I say this:  It frustrates me when I see a truly intelligent person who weighs reason heavier.  If you have no beliefs, how can your reason make sense?  This statement may be contradictory in the eyes of this type of person, because, if you base your reason off of beliefs, how can it be logical?  How can that make sense?  I find it a frikin shame to see a person, a great person, smart, promising- you know, all the good stuff (but what, you might ask, is my definition of good? based on reason or beliefs?)- who maintains that they are above humbling themselves to put a belief in anything. anything.  To see a person who thinks all they need in life is themself, and no one needs to tell them how to live life…–you know it sounds liberating and FREEDOM-ness and all….but i think it’s confining really.  That person confines themself to themself.  How can you truly love? 

‘I don’t want anyone telling me I can’t do this or that…’  it sounds so elementary.  Such an easy way out.  It makes me feel like that part of a person is still in pubescent rebellion.  Living and doing whatever feels good at the moment because they can, dangit.  And you can’t tell me no!  I am an animal!  Is what they seem to scream.  You can get by in life doing that, I’m sure.  But who wants to get by?  Do we realize that just by opening an eye of our own scrunched-up stubborn children’s face (arms crossed over chest sitting in corner)  we could open ourselves to so much more?  It’s hard especially if we like the attention/pity we’re getting by throwing a fit in the corner.

*****

“Why are dust and ashes proud?  Even during life, man’s body decays;  a slight illness- the doctor jests, a king today-tomorrow he is dead.  When a man dies, he inherits corruption;  worms and maggots.  The beginning of Pride is a man’s stubborness in withdrawing his heart from his Maker;  For pride is the reservoir of sin, a source which runs over with vice;  Because of it God sends unheard-of afflictions and brings men to utter ruin”  

 

okay enough confused ramblings today.  I make no claims to say i have any answers or superiority.  Because, like everyone else, I really don’t know.  I just want to know, like everyone else.  

Okay.  So i went to Chicago to visit with Caitlin Bobaitlin and Amy Tunafish.  Week before spring break. (this is the longest spring break i’ve ever had in my life!)  Besides Paris, Chicago= THE BIGGEST CITY I’VE EVEN BEEN IN.  Is that sad?  I dunno.  Chicago is pretty HUGE….it just keeps going on and on and on……and the clouds are lower than the buildings!  If that doesn’t scare a Lebtucky folk, then i don’t know what will.  Any way, i had a really good time.  Amy and I love Caitlin’s friends.  They are crazy, and  like to sing and dance wierd.  It’s like they would have been our friends if we’d gone to Northwestern anyway.  WE LOVE YOU!  I took MASS pictures but im going to wait til i get back to school to post them becauuuse my connection at home is basically nonexistant.  Oh, and in case you didn’t know…you can’t walk two blocks downtown Chicago without coming upon a coffeeshop/Starbucks. 

     So if you somehow are walking too briskly on your way to work in your cubicle, and pass up that Starbucks but don’t wan’t to turn around, either because then you’ll have to fight against the wind, and your hair will get in your face, or because you’ll be stampeeded by other fellow cubicle-coworkers, NEVER FEAR!  There’s another Starbucks around the corner! Or the next street after that….!

Anyway, i got sick.  Food poisoning? Stomach flu?  I really know not.  We were in Chicago from last Tuesday til Saturday, i got sick on Thursday night (before which Caitlin, Amy, David and I all went out to eat at this neat restaurant.  We were all starving and stuffed ourselves and got FRUNK.), i spent all night vomiting, all day Friday rolling around in misery on Caitlin’s futon, somehow got home Saturday, and yesterday, Tuesday, was the first day I actually got up and went out. 

 

SO, had a great time, but i must say, I prefer the trees to be taller than the buildings…much less MOUNTAINS to be taller than buildings.  Hey, I gotta be able to breathe!

But in her web she still delights

time

I am now a master at Glazing….
level with Rembrant. 
style: Singer Sargent.

i got a violin people.

i am rocking for the moment.   this one. right now.

Yep.  So I get an A in my Drawing II class.  The teacher i thought i hated…i actually now admire.  NOT because i am getting an A…but because i understand him now.  OH PEOPLE….we don’t like what we don’t understand! ….anyway…so he really encouraged me to keep trucking on and to apply for scholarships!  wow…UC will give me money for drawings???  That’s like a fairy tale ending.  -or beginning.  Anywhoo….he told me things that i have known all along but kind of disreguarded because people were telling me other things, ideas, wanting me to be something else…  I need to LISTEN!  for reeel.  There is a ton of junk i have to push out of the way in order to hear that One true voice.  It’s there, constant, powerful but so tiny. 

I love this world I am finding i’ve belonged to all my life.  I’m finding my way back home.  Home of the uncoverers of the truth and beauty. 

I was just wondering….i’ve noticed that when i work….i’m not totally ALL THERE…and i never really put myself wholly into it.  It’s like i have this additional sense that knows what i’m about to do and takes over.  I’m not totally conscious of what im drawing…i just am.  My eyes aren’t really watching where my hand goes.  Now it’s not like i become posessed when i work or anything….or maybe i do, i know not…but i was wondering what would happen if i REALLY tried?  good? bad? more? less?   i dunno.  maybe this feeling is what all artists know….that want to create this single masterpiece that tells all truths, that sings out our hearts.  i think if you look collectively at all our works, you’ll find them dispersed in different areas….in one, perhaps it’s the mark-making, in another it’s the subtleness of value or color.  Me?  It’s always in the mark-making.  You can see it.  Very clear.  Just have to find the right subject, the right colors, tones, values….

I have just shared a secret depth of part of an artist.  can you not see it?  Your eyes are not opened.  they are you say? nope. they’re not. 

Good lord….to think that I might have EVER wanted to be one of those people who wish for a career that involves wearing a suit/uniform, drinking a Starbuck’s latte or a McDonalds breakfast somethingorother every morning just to go sit in an airconditioned/heated office, a cubicle all day for the rest of my life would drive me MAD.   bland.

I want to sweat, i want to breathe, i want to see green.  I want to SEE and HEAR and SCREAM and TASTE. 

That other stuff could never be for me.  I admire and respect those people who want that.  variety.  That’s what makes this world function.  Not everyone wants the same things.  you know…the whole ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’    yup. 

yay for who you are.  oh people.

 

ahem.  i don’t have a word.

I BOOKED it through campus this evening.  I got all antsy while at dinner with my sister and Ryan, and i jetted outa therrrrre. 

So there i was walking along on my way to daaaap and as i approached the football stadium, a huge impulse came over me–cause of a combination of many MANY things–but i suddenly slung my one shoulder bookbag around to my front, pulled off my hat and BOOKED IT until i couldn’t breathe….which was about 200 yards later (which is REALLY good for someone who had just eaten, and hasn’t exercised in about 6 months…ehhh).  Glad to know i can still get my legs to move speedily.

Looking at the scene from the point of view of the kids down on the field in the stadium (got some shouts), I probably looked like i was running from a cop and had just stolen something which was in my bag….very comical most likely.

It was exhilarating.                         must do again.  impulsively. 

you know…..I had totally let go of my impulsiveness???  what do you know!   I was starting to let someone make me……wow….THERE YOU GO!  what an epiphany.  make yourself.  (ha. that’s totally an incubus song. oh well.)

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Okay…so yes…living in Calhoun does suck…its like a prison….HOWEVER…among the little perks (not having to go outside to get to the dining hall, a great view of the city, no neighbors peeing on my door, and a good roommate) the best one is something I know i will really miss next year:

Walking to and from class I walk past CCM (music and theatre school) There are always windows open, and beautiful pure music comes pouring out in little strands, always leaving me wishing I could just sit outside the building to hear a complete song and watch all the students pass by. Even at 11:30 at night…the normally violent wind seems to shy away and everything is still; even the trees seem to be holding their breath just to hear the sound of a saxophone or violin come pouring out the window and float down to the ground to be soaked up.

A little dose of beauty to remind me where it all came from.

                                                                                 ******

“you know…you got everybody…they all line up to fit this pre-made mold….so they’re all , you know, in this line…lined up…the same….but there’s always that one person who just…oop…and steps out…and doesn’t really line up with the rest…you got something there…”

I love every day.  I don’t care if perhaps im in a bad mood once, depressed, sad.  I still love this day given to me.  There is something to be retained, discovered, looked at, listened to, an epiphany to be had.  A first time.  TIME.  go.

“time…..i believe in time.”

 

 EVERY time after I take a shower, i feel like bursting out a loud “WHAOO!”  as soon as I turn off the tap ….  Just like a musician does after a huge jam session….  Every shower I take here at school is LONG AND HOT and i love it.

Just thought you ought to know…